If you ever find yourself in a movie, especially a thriller of any kind, here are some things you may wish to avoid:
- Never say, “You guys go ahead; I’ll catch up with you later.” Something baaaaad will happen to you.
- Don’t cough. It means you are going to die of a disease by the end of the film.
- Don’t be a loyal Black friend. It doesn’t end well.
- Don’t ignore the advice of people who are ethnically or culturally very different from you; they have mystical abilities that come with their strange ethnicities, and their warnings are always true.
- Don’t turn your back on a monster just because you’ve killed it once.
- Don’t go looking for the sources of mysterious sounds in rarely used rooms in your house.
- Don’t waste your time reporting menacing aliens to the local police or to any other adults, for that matter.
- Seemingly unbeatable monsters tend to have absurd weaknesses, so don’t go anywhere without salt, water, a fire hydrant, and perhaps some pimento stuffed olives.
- Don’t keep driving when someone jumps on your roof and starts smashing your window with their fist. They can’t be shaken off. Don’t try to shoot them either, as you will, amazingly, keep missing. Just slam on your brakes and run away.
- If you are an anonymous security guard or low-level military person of any sort, do not go anywhere or do anything, as you will surely, and quickly, die.
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