Libyan Man Kills Self Over Offensive Video

A Libyan man has killed himself in reaction to an anti-Islamic video produced by an Egyptian-America Coptic Christian man. In this exclusive interview, Tarek Waled explains why he killed himself.

“At first, when I heard about this video, I wanted to kill the Egyptian-America Coptic Christian Film-Maker who produced it. But he lived very far away in America, and was probably in hiding. So, I decided to kill another film-maker. But I couldn’t find any film-makers in my town. There’s a guy down the street who posts videos of cute cats to Youtube, but I wasn’t sure if that counted. Then, I thought, “Duh, he’s American! I’ll kill an American, or at least someone wearing a Justin Bieber t-shirt.’ But all the Americans had already been killed or had left the country. So then, I decided to kill a Christian, but I soon realized I didn’t know any and I didn’t feel like wandering around searching. Then it struck me: This guy lived in the Northern Hemisphere. All of Libya is in the Northern Hemisphere. My choices of whom to take out my anger on were a bit overwhelming. So that’s when I decided to narrow it down to a man. After all, this guy was obviously a man. So I started walking back to my house, but then I remembered that my family consisted of my wife, my daughter and my 7-year-old son, who wasn’t a man yet. I thought about waiting 6 or 7 years for him to grow up, but I wanted revenge sooner than that. So, I kept thinking. This film-making man, he probably has a family. I can kill my whole family! But when I got home, I saw that my family was out, perhaps looking for another family to kill in response to this family-man’s video. I was getting a bit discouraged. But then I realized that this creature who made the video, he was a living organism. So I killed my house plant. But my need for vengeance was not yet satisfied. I looked around and that’s when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Perfect! I was a living being, plus I was a Northern Hemispheric man. Also, with great pain, I remembered that I had frequented a local Kentucky Fried Chicken franchise as a youth. So, I killed myself.”

For further inspiration for taking out your anger on people who remind you of a threat, listen to the Phil Ochs song that’s waiting under this flower:

dasy

p.s. If you are offended by this satirical article, please take out your anger on someone else who writes satirical articles… perhaps the author of the one under this flower:

dasy

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