Try these comedic one-liners on your next comedy tour. Note: By using them, you agree end each joke with, “So sayeth Daisybrain.”
- If you have stage fright and you’re making a public speech at a nudist colony, should you imagine the audience fully clothed?
- I recently came to the conclusion that all of my pencils were pointless. So I sharpened them.
- Audiences always shout boos out at me. It first I didn’t think they liked my act, but then I realized they were just thirsty.
- What should you use if you’re locked out of a primate lab? A Monkey.
- I don’t smoke, but I’m thinking of wearing a Nicorette patch, both for the admiration of friends who will think I have accomplished something, and to hallucinate a tiny band playing for me.
- I had my wife arrested for pirating. That’ll teach her not to judge my pies.
- Every Christmas, I feel cramped, because I always try to live in the present, but that’s a long time to stay still under a tree.
- What’s the difference between a penguin and a typewriter? A typewriter is a mechanical device that preceded computer-based word processing, and a penguin is a flightless water fowl.
- My son asked me of we could go by the ice scream store on the way home from school. I told him it would be too expensive to buy the entire store, but we could go buy an ice scream. We drove by the store & I waved to it, saying, “Bye, ice cream!” He cried. I told him that I was just trying to teach him about puns. He said, “Ice cream.” I said, “Ice scream what?” He said, “I scream, ‘You’re a terrible father!!!’” I cried.
- I support the right to bear arms. I mean, how else are bears going to reach things?
- I said, “Stop censorship!” He said, “You can’t say that!”
Glad to get that out of my system.
I now release you from this post.