Twitter my Feed, er, Feed my Twitter, er, My Twitter Feed

twitter-bird

Admittedly, I haven’t been actively Twittering, or Tweeting, or whatever, for long, but I seem to have reached a ceiling of 24 followers. And today I lost one, so I’m down to 23. Perhaps my tweets are too impersonal and snobbishly, self-aggrandizingly wordy, whatever I mean by that. I tried adding popular hashtags, like #ScottProuty and momentarily trending phrases, like “Veronica Mars Kickstarter,” without having the slightest idea of who these people are or why anyone is tweeting about them.

Because I have deep respect for my Daisybrain blog readers, I have decided to share some of my tweets with you & let you be the judge of why I am a failure at Twitter. Many tweets are taken from the Daisybrain blog as part of my not-so-secret plan to attract people to this blog. So here is a sample:

Tweets

  1. Why did the hipster burn his lips? He drank coffee before it was cool. #hipster #badjoke #hipsterhumor #doubleentendre #follow #getit? #poop

  2. #atlanticecon – My spleen is not your play thing! Stay away from http://www.daisybrain.com  !

  3. Just dropped my chocolate in my hummus. Finally found something that doesn’t taste good with chocolate. #culinary #foodcombos #chocolate

  4. My dog takes frequent walks to check his pee-mail. #wordplay #humor #joke #badpun #punny #peemail

  5. We spend the first 2 years of a children’s lives telling them to stand up and speak & the next 20 years telling them to sit down and shut up

  6. Ha! I typed “tending” instead of “trending”. What would Percy Harvin think? What’s #anza by the way?

  7. Whoever Percy Harvin is, he’s trending. I trended once – it made me nauseous. #tending By the way, if your’e into #sxsw you should follow me

  8. Daylight Savings Time is just like fashion – Just keep your clock the same and eventually everyone else will come back to your time #time

  9. Turns out #Valpo is a university with sports teams. I thought it was a dog food.

  10. #PaleyFest #childhoodconfessionnight #FollowMeSkip #ImAjanoskiansSlu #valpo … Twitter trends reminds me how out of touch I am w/US culture

  11. New Word: Scatlas, from scat and atlas: a map of the world’s poop. Could revolutionize poop research. #wordplay #neology #nonce #words #poop

  12. Isn’t the term “war crimes” redundant? #words #philosophy #peace #nonviolence #questions

  13. A Legal Question: What if one conjoined twin is convicted of assaulting the other? #lifemysteries #weirdthoughts #comedy #standup #pondering

  14. A pirate can turn a fiend into friend with just one little “Arrrrr.” #piratejoke #pun #joke #humor #spleen

  15. Restricting oneself to double-vowel words leads to sentences like: Good aardvark seeks cool beetle teeth. #wordplay #words #vowels #weird

  16. A tired, retired tire was attired entirely in tie-dyed Thai ties. #um #wordplay #alliteration #shortstory

  17. Here’s an oxymoron: Conservative Think Tank. #liberalhumor #jokes #comedy

  18. For most of the kids I teach, adolescence is the process of changing your face from an oval to a triangle. 0→∇

  19. It tuchus a long time to get there, but ass alright. #humor #puns #yiddish #joke #goofy #comedy

  20. Hey, you “i before e except after c” people: Explain “Weird Science”! #grammar #english #words #petunia

  21. Internet memes. We used to just call ‘em cliches. #keepcalm #meme #drwhat

  22. @robertirvine1 Idea for promo: R. Irvine transforms into the Hulk – cloths rip, turns green,”Irvine Smash!” Fix restaurant,then back 2 human

  23. Retweeting Haiku (forgot Twitter doesn’t format): It looks like Haiku/ Five and seven syllables/ But there’s no content. #poetry #haiku

  24. @KatieGoodman ! Onward to passing the treaty on disabilities GOP thought would turn us into gay European pro-science same-sex socialists.

  25. Duct tape should come in flavors. Possibilities: Plumber’s Plum, Strawberry Sound Man, Tangerine Toilet, and Duct l’Orange. #inventions

  26. Needed: De-AutoTuner – Filter you can apply to songs giving you the original voice of the alleged singer before it was mechanically altered

  27. Never before said outloud, in all of human history: “Should I remove my skin before eating dairy products?” #original #daisybrain #tonsil

  28. Procatstination: Avoiding work by looking for cute cats on the internet. #puns #jokes #comedy #funny #wordplay #spleen #aww #lolcats

  29. When someone says, “Somewhat,” ask, “Somewhy?” #strangeness #wordiness #wordplay #punny #funny #carlin #herringbone

  30. What Salma Hayek should have said:“I will speak very clearly so you can understand me Seth – How’s this: Fuck you.” #Oscars2013 #Macfarlane

  31. @editor_b I was cooking strained peas the other day, but they got out of control and I had to restrain them.

  32. The second guest was second guessed for getting the forgetting.He put information in formation and would be heading the beheading. #nonsense

  33. #Oscars2013 Was “the 85th annual Academy Awards,” now “The Oscars,” next year: “Big Movie Awards,” then, “Thing Watch TV.”

  34. Even odder, so too do the next three: “Joseph Biden,” “Nancy Pelosi,” and “Selena Gomez.” (See previous vitally important tweet) #tweet

  35. The last 3 Presidents, “Bill Clinton,” “George W. Bush,” & “Barack Obama” – each have 11 letters in their names. #strange #coincidences #poo

  36. They let me on the internet even though I don’t like bacon. #bacon #humor #internet #hashtag #angst

  37. If you have stage fright while making a public speech at a nudist colony should you imagine the audience fully clothed? #joke #comedy #humor

  38. No one has yet managed to rhyme the word “tomato” with “pancreas” http://buff.ly/WYoR6p  #pancreas #rhymes #falsehope #humor #oddities

  39. I recently came to the conclusion that all of my pencils were pointless. So I sharpened them. #comedy #silly #puns #punny #wordplay #shoe

  40. Terrifuning: When something is both terrifying and fun, like roller coasters, hail storms and hail storms on roller coasters.

  41. Why do some tweets have hashtag as their hashtag? #hashtag What does this mean? Doesn’t it risk imploding the Twitter universe in on itself?

  42. 2 hardest things: Finding someone to go to the gym with you & finding someone to go donate blood with you (not at the same time)

  43. Can’t find a gym partner. So I’ll just eat chocolate today.

  44. My new animal-fruit combination: Porcupineapple. Please draw a pic of one & tweet it back. #weidness #funny #changeling

  45. Slogan for a yoga self-defense class: “Namasté Away From Me!” #yoga #wordplay #onions #funny #wacky #namaste

  46. Odd that NH, state w/motto “Live Free or Die” outlaws terminally ill from getting doctor’s help in ending life. #deathwithdignity

  47. Transmission: A mission to change your gender. Transport: The airport where the transgender airline TransAir lands. #trans #puns #transpuns

  48. Headline on http://cnn.com : Bras offer lifeline to rescued slaves

  49. Happy Homophone Awareness Day: “You’re in danger!” vs. “Urine danger!” Well, maybe you’re in danger because of urine danger, I don’t know.

  50. Chocolate, yes. But chocearly and chocoften. #chocolate My current fav is Lulu’s raw, organic Fair Trade chocolates #heaven #theobromine

  51. RT if you are a better idiot than all the other idiots out there. #idiot #idiotic #humor #asparagus

  52. @IncorrectHumor Thanks for following me. Here’s one for you: I had my wife arrested for pirating. That’ll teach her not to judge my pies.

  53. My cell phone was smarter than me, so I killed it. #cellphones #jokes #comedy #parsnip

  54. Band Name Ideas: Bandingo; Poportunity; Sara Tonin and the Dopamines; Spock’s Ears. #bandnames #random #procrastination #bands #spleen

  55. Just tweeting to see if @esophagus goes anywhere.

  56. Flamboyant: the superpower ability to float on water while engulfed in flames #nonce #wordplay #words #language #jokes #puns #definitions

  57. Why do people always mention whatever they precede with “not to mention”? #questions #wordplay #humor #esophagus

  58. If something is “needless to say,” why do people go ahead and say it? #words #english #comedy

  59. #humor #newwords #neology Insanitize: To make insanely clean. If 3 people RT, I promise to stop posting puns tonight.

  60. #nonce #wordplay #comedy From now on, socks are called “Foot Pockets.” Pls. RT this important development.

  61. #puns Disembowel: To make a bowel movement

  62. #snowstorm #nemo All stocked up on provisions…. How much weight will America gain during the snow storm?

  63. Good news, everyone! It takes a while, but a watched pot boils.

  64. @EricIndiana I wonder what word I left out of that post that would have made it make sense?

  65. There are no tweets with #daisybrain in them. Well, now there’s one.

  66. I had an uneven number of pictures on my twitter page. So here is a platypus. pic.twitter.com/bKYqWdlJ

  67. You know that culture has come to a standstill when people have been convinced that they are interested in #superbowl commercials

  68. rt if you don’t give a flying monkey’s ass about the #superbowl

  69. I’m ready to go on Oprah to admit doping in 1968.

     Retweeted by Eric Spears

    Feb 5Eric SpearsEric Spears ‏@EricIndiana
    @SteveMartinToGo It’s too late to go on Oprah in 1968. Plus, her show then was just in her mom’s kitchen.

    Jan 19

  70. @thinkprogress I believe in the right to bear arms. How else can the bears reach things?

  71. @ShmooReport I believe in a right to bare arms, especially if you have really good looking arms.

  72. #guncontrol We need guns to stop the government from taking our guns away, which we need in order to stop them from taking them away….

  73. @EricIndiana maybe I should learn to add hash tags, like #georgetakei follows #BettyMWhite.

  74. George Takei follows Betty White on Twitter. Just thought I should say that.

  75. Redeem this tweet for $10,000

  76. Tumblr is down, so I’ll have to share my Santa-Elvis pic here on Twitter. pic.twitter.com/kAWQR9Q2

@ianchriste Just shopocalypsed for apocolicious discounts on all my fav apocolypsia incl. Mocha-Chocolypse and other apocryphilia.

Since starting this post, I’ve somehow attracted one more Twitter follower, so we are back up to the magic number 24. My hope is that after I publish this post, readers will help my Twitter feed explode to over 25 followers.

And here’s a flower portal for you:dasy

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