Lactose Avoidance and a Storied Story

July 16, 2019

I pride myself in my tolerance, so you can imagine my discomfort with the realization that I was lactose intolerant. My friend Amy Mercury helped me find some less harsh ways to express any condition. Instead of lactose intolerant, I am:

  • Lactose Averse
  • Lactose Contemptuous
  • Lactose Illiberal
  • Lactose Unindulgent
  • Lactose Waspish

Better yet, because I am just lacking in lactase to digest the lactose, I am:

  • Low in Lactase
  • Lactase Deficient
  • Lactase Impaired
  • Lactase Defective
  • Lactase Depressed
  • Lactase Decumbant

And now this….

With the kitsch in the kitchen, a jester gestures for a cinnamon synonym, declaring, “You’re either with us or a Guinness!” At that, the flea fleetly flees and twice the nice ice mice dice the rice. Wait here for the waiter where we watch the swath of a wrist watch worn by workers who work her while sealing the ceiling, doing Thai chi, drinking chai tea, wearing my tie and drinking mai tai.

The pie lets the pilot explain how to deplane. And meanwhile… reverse rivers ship the ship, to flow Flo so she can train the train to remain insane.


To escape this post, click here:

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Your Next Band, Named (and other random things)

July 1, 2019

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I misplaced my last list of band name ideas, so just pretend that you read it, it was very clever & you loved it. In the meantime, here are some more:

The Spazmatics

Hellevator

Crunch

Whipscream

Chlorella DeVille

Sounder

Old Yeller (fronted by an elder punk rocker)

Dumble Doors (Doors cover band, with a Harry Potter theme)

Slive*

I was struck the other day by the fact that Elvis and Levis are just two switched letters apart. Did Elvis wear Levis jeans? Of course, Elvis and Lives are also anagrams, which I’m sure his parents knew when they planned his career and fake death when he was born.

*another Elvis anagram

For all the airline execs reading this blog, it’s bad enough that we are flying to our “terminal.” Please stop making it worse by announcing our “final descent.”

A chemistry joke: Water, creating solutions where none existed before.

I wonder if any construction worker has ever stopped & thought, “I’m sealing a ceiling while building a building.”

While “incidences” is technically a word, it does not mean what you think it does. Just say “incidents.”

Why is everyone freaked out about an active scooter downtown? (Thank you, Emily Litella.)

Thanks to TV & movies, the only disaster that a good portion of the public has been trained for is a zombie apocalypse. 

Turns out that essential oils are not actually essential. Who knew?

Fun fact that I made up: Doorknobs weren’t invented until several decades after doors were invented. There were great celebrations when they could finally open all those doors. 

Here is a sentence that no one has written before in the history of humanity: “Eagles have mustaches, but only when you aren’t looking.”


Daisy Portal:

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How to Easily Avoid Perpetuating Micro-Aggressions Toward Customers

June 25, 2019

What Micro-Aggressions are:

Micro-Aggressions are those common slights that people can perceive throughout the day and that appear to be the result of racial or other bias. For example, a Black, Indigenous or Person of Color may notice that they are being singled out for extra scrutiny while shopping, or that a salesperson is making assumptions about them based on their race, ethnicity or religion. Each slight may seem small, but they add up and cause great harm to an individual.

No one is immune! Even if you self-identify as the same race, ethnicity or any other descriptor of the customer, you still might be perpetuating micro-aggressions. This is true regardless of what’s in your heart and conscious mind.

Luckily, there are some simple habits that we can all develop to help avoid unintentionally inflicting pain on others.

Read the rest of this entry »


Rat

June 13, 2019

What the fuck, Rat?

You are frozen in my mind

The part of you that lives in me is young, very young

People keep trading out perfectly good bodies for old costumes

Costumes with rips and tears

Some of us have just the young part of life

Or an accelerated life

But what the fuck?


More death:

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Pros and cons of all the Democratic Presidential Candidates 

June 12, 2019

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Marianne Williamson 

Pros: Inspirational, informed, closer to enlightenment than the rest of us.

Cons: We don’t need another cult leader as a president. Also, she’s a bit of a war monger. Yes, that’s what I said. She wants a Dept. of Peace but believes we should have invaded several countries that we didn’t. This includes Syria, which she thinks we should have bombed for semantic reasons (President Obama said the words ‘red line’). She also talks about how to manipulate the public into supporting wars she likes (show them pics of children dying, etc.). 

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Annoyed and Enlightened

May 30, 2019

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That’s a little cartoon I call, “People, shut the fuck up for a minute!” I mean, it’s hard to think of any other animal that just constantly jabbers: talk, talk, talk. Give it a rest! The other animals on the planet have told me that they are annoyed, so quiet the fuck down. The trees, too… they can’t take it anymore. The greatest thing about the original Planet of the Apes movies was that humans had lost the ability to speak. Thank fucking God.

I walked around in a labyrinth and came up with this poem:

I create my life’s story

I live my life’s story

I create stories with my life.

I am both in the center of my labyrinth

And on the path of my labyrinth

I don’t have to wait around for anything to happen

I am happening

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Subcultures are Icky

April 17, 2019

I have trouble immersing myself in subcultures. It always seems like the participants are avoiding richer life experiences. There are 12-step subcultures, where people go to several 12-step programs a week plus individual and group therapy plus social events with folks they meet at these meetings. It becomes their whole world. I assume that some people need to be engulfed in it in order to survive their addiction, but I just can’t let the recovery part of it take over my entire life experience.

I’ve recently noticed an online subculture where straight CIS women identify as queer and diss straight CIS folks. While everyone has a right to define themselves, it’s clear to me that these people are presenting what they think of as a hip & cool online facade that doesn’t reflect their offline lives at all.

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