An Apothecary of Apocryphal Apocalypses

November 13, 2019

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Fellow Marshmallow

Hello, my fellow mellow yellow marshmallow,

They dunk you. They drunk you. They resolve to dissolve you.

In the hot cocoa of Rocky Rococo who is no stranger to Mr. Nick Danger

The Beatles, the Stones give way to Ramones

More singers and bands are lost in the sands

Desktops and laptops, iPads and iPhones

Fill the landfill and leave us alone

Interconnected disconnected 

While the non-silicon dries on the bone

What a pretty ringtone.

*

Climate

Mitigate! Resuscitate! Abdicate!

50% by 2188!

I asked all the deal gulls what we should do

But they were dead, just like me and you

*

Braindead Nazi Clown Zombies

Braindead Nazi Clown Zombies have taken over the government

They are led by a senile child in an old man’s flesh suit

I’m pretty sure I can ride this all out


Look! A smart flower portal:

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Names for Annoying College A cappella Bands

October 29, 2019

karaoke fun

Time to get back to my roots here at Daisybrain. Here’s a blog consisting entirely of bad puns.

Bad names for annoying college a cappella bands:

  • The Note-Takers
  • The Vocal Chords
  • The Warblers
  • Alexa Sing!
  • Har Money
  • Mellow Deep
  • Calc You Later, Dude
  • The Car Tunes
  • In Toe Nation
  • The House Keys
  • Key Stoned Pipe Lines
  • Achordance
  • Goatee Mates
  • The Tuneups
  • Hypothalamusic
  • The Foot Notes
  • The Notations
  • Note a Riot E
  • A Capelactose Intolerant

(And the opposite, an instrumental band without singers: The Instru-Mentalists.)

I assume that half of these are already in use in school a cappella groups. I apologize to those singers – in your case, you picked the perfect name and it’s hilarious. 

If you graduate from college and begin your successful career as an a cappellist, you still may want a side gig. Here are some typically dreadful hair salon names:

  • Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow
  • The Royal Hair Ball
  • Folicalifornication
  • Barberism
  • Hair Peace
  • Menopausalon
  • American Hairlines
  • Virgin Hair
  • Drone Hairstrikes
  • Supercolassalon
  • Comb Over to My Place
  • Hair B & B
  • Proboscissors
  • Conan the Barberian
  • Hair Cutapella

And now for something completely similar:

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How to Reach Enlightenment in 10 Easy Steps

October 27, 2019

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Step One: Do not bother reading a 10-step method for reaching enlightenment.

Step Two: Are you still there? You must be really stupid. Or really bored. Or both.

Step Three: Invent an 8th chakra, pick a color and a frequency for it, and base an entire self-help empire on your new chakra.

Step Four: Avoid dairy.

Step Five: Go back to Step Two.

Step Six: How did you get past Step Five? Perhaps you are already on your way to enlightenment.

Step Seven: Send me money. In exchange, I will send you a word that I have made up that is just for you.

Other Step Seven: Learn the true nature of God and the Universe.

Step Eight: Learn ballroom dancing or, if you already know it, unlearn it.

Step Nine: You’ve worked hard; skip this step (unless you want to reach enlightenment, in which case you’ve already done this step… or have you?) Either way you should be fine, as long as you don’t finish reading this sentence.

Step Ten: Kill an enlightened person, as there is only so much enlightenment to go around.

That’s it! Congratulations. Now, please fix all that is wrong with the universe. It’s your job.


Compare with my previous list of steps to reach enlightenment… written 6 years ago!:

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It, Too, is Stupid

October 22, 2019

My review of It II: Attack of the Old Movie Clichés

Welcome to Derry, Maine, a town where only Stephen King speaks with a Maine accent. I’d say spoilers alert if there were anything worth spoiling. Perhaps you’ve seen It Number One? That was the movie where the kids of the 1980s fight a killer clown. Not scary at all, but fun characters and good acting. The film ends with a set-up for the sequel, where the characters promise themselves they’ll come back and fight the again in 27 years if the clown comes back and if the original movie makes enough money for the studio to produce a sequel.

The second It does have a few more startling sequences, but nothing that justifies watching people in their 40s fight a mysterious clown/demon of extremely confusing providence. I’ll skip all of the probing criticism I have of this alleged movie and get straight to the main flaw: The film is rife with old movie tropes we thought we had finally outgrown. Namely:

  1. Loyal Black Friend to an otherwise all-white cast.
  2. Single female member of an ensemble of men.
  3. Grown characters have found partners who remind them of their terrible parents, as is, you know, always the case due to psychology. So, hilariously the mamma’s boy ends up with a wife whom he accidentally calls “Mom,” and, less hilariously, the woman ends up with an abusive partner just like her father (before discovering the love of the awkward boy who had always loved her).
  4. Mysterious ethnic Indians living outside of town who know the true (though incomprehensible to me) demonic secret origin of the ancient demon-space-clown and how to kill it.
  5. Being gay is still something to hide and be beaten up or killed for.
  6. Gay couple has to be killed, and closeted gay character has to have the love of his life killed because we live in a world where that sort of love is tragically impossible. But, straight guys get to compete over female love interest and hero man gets hero woman in the end.
  7. Scary abandoned haunted house on the outskirts of town? Check.
  8. Constant struggle about having to stay together because you are strong as a group and vulnerable alone? Check.
  9. Childhood stuttering comes back when adult is scared, and goes away again in time for the endless denouement.
  10. Monster has to be re-killed after characters thought they had already killed it and idiotically turn their backs on it (apparently none of the characters had watched any Stephen King movies in the intervening years since the first It).

In conclusion, the original It was cute and should have ended with the characters talking the creature out of existence so we wouldn’t have to watch them do it as adults. If you want to see good killer clown movie, watch Killer Klowns from Outer Space. It’s got a great soundtrack.


Click for more on clowns:

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Watch Out Vegetarians!

October 13, 2019

The Essential Healthy Vegetarian’s Guide to Avoiding Accidental Meat

Here are some hidden non vegetarian ingredients in what you otherwise might assume are dead animal-free supplements and health foods.

  • Gelatin Caps. Thankfully, more and more supplement companies are switching to plant cellulose capsules and seaweed (carrageenan) softgels. But it pays to double check, especially since sometimes companies switch back and forth! Look on either the front, bottom of the container for the type of capsule, or on the back label, under “other ingredients.”
  • Collagen. We all want me to have beautiful skin, but all collagen comes from animal bones (usually cow or fish). Don’t be fooled – there is no such thing as a vegetarian source of collagen. Luckily, your body produces collagen! And, if you want to produce more if it, there are plant-based supplements that include ingredients that help to promote your own collagen production. Alternatively, you could just eat leafy green vegetables, citrus fruit (vitamin C helps you synthesize collagen), broccoli, blackberries, raspberries, blueberries, turmeric… in other words, a healthy diet.
  • Sugar. White cane sugar is processed with the charred bones of animals. Sweeteners such as coconut and beet sugar, honey, monk fruit and maple syrup re not stripped of their nutrients, like white sugars, and they are not processed with animal parts. Beware: Brown sugar is just processed white sugar with some of the molasses added back in.

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  • Food Glaze. Most manufacturers like to make their chocolate-covered nuts and other treats shiny, thinking that our brains are akin to the brains of kittens and this will entice us to buy their products. Most often, they make their candies shiny by coating them with “confectioner’s glaze.” Sounds wonderful! What is it? It’s the wings of the female lac beetle, ground up and dissolved in alcohol. At least 100 billion are killed every year to make candy shiny. The good news is that many organic chocolate covered nuts available at health food stores are vegetarian-safe. The key is to avoid snacks that include “confectioner’s glaze,” or other euphemisms for lac resin.
  • Oscillococcinum. This is probably the most popular homeopathic remedy on the market. It addresses flu-like symptoms. Unfortunately, it’s made from duck livers. Homeopathic preparations are made by diluting a substance to the point where it make not contain any of its original molecules. Nonetheless, the initial source is not vegetarian.
  • Some Vitamin D. Vitamin D3 supplements come primarily from lanolin, a wax secreted from the sebaceous glands of sheep and other wool-bearing animals. However, vegan alternatives exist. Vitamin D can come from mushrooms or lichen. If the package doesn’t list the source, you may have to look at the brand’s website.
  • Red Dyes in Food and Natural Cosmetics. Thanks to Judi Hoffman for this one: Red color from carmine and cochineal are from insects. Used in numerous foods, cosmetics, and as dye for fiber:
    https://blog.hmns.org/2012/11/color-me-carmine-cochineal-bugs-in-our-food-and-drink/

If you know of other unexpected non-vegetarian ingredients in supplements and healthy foods, feel free to share in the comments, and I’ll update this blog post.


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Don’t Ever Try to Unsubscribe to the New York Times. Ever.

September 17, 2019

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I wanted to support journalism in the age of an aspiring fascist child running the government and trying to crush freedom of the press. So, shortly after the stolen 2016 election, I subscribed to the New York Times and the Washington Post. After three years, because I work in retail, I could no longer afford news subscriptions, so I went to the Post & hit the unsubscribe button.

I then went to my account in the Times, but they don’t have that option. Instead, you are instructed to call or open a chat window. On my first two attempts, they didn’t connect me with anyone. Clever Times. But the third time, a rep answered to talk me out of unsubscribing and to transfer me to a second rep apparently in the hope that I’d give up & keep paying.

Here is our transcript:

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Loving-Kindness is the Key to Everything

September 11, 2019

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Every day, I do a loving-kindness meditation, and it feels good. But what is “loving-kindness” and what distinguishes it from regular kindness? And how is it, as the title of this post promises, the key to Everything?

Read the rest of this entry »


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