Hey Honky!!!

November 26, 2018

honk

Want to improve the quality of life in the City? Stop freaking honking. There is never any need to honk. Oh, shut up! I hear you saying idiotic things like, “What if you have to warn somebody…?” That literally never happens. There is never a toddler wandering into the street holding a kitten who will only be saved by you honking your horn and terrifying them back to the curb. The only way to save that kitten’s life is for you to stop and not hit them.

My recurring fantasy is to hire all the car thieves in the City to go around at night and disable people’s horns. Can you imagine the serenity of the next morning? People would have to resort to old fashioned screaming their lungs out when the person in front of them paused 1 1/2 seconds before going at a green light.

Here are some arguments against honking, just in case you are a moron and still disagree with me:

  1. Everyone wants to get where they are going! Nobody is slowing down on purpose to annoy you. If they haven’t screeched forward as the light is starting to turn green, it’s because their foot is on its way to the gas peddle. It won’t measurably slow down your trip to wait. Either that, or they’ve just had a stroke and honking won’t help.
  2. When you honk to punish people, it just adds to the noise pollution and tension in the City. No one is going to go back in time and undue their driving error because they’ve been scolded by your honk. Besides, are you a perfect driver? No, you’re not. Shut up.
  3. Usually you’re honking two or three cars behind the car that hasn’t moved fast enough for you. But, as I said, no one is slowing down on purpose. There’s probably an elderly school teacher leading an elementary class of disabled children across the intersection on their way to feed baby ducks. I’m not going to mow them down because you honked. Think of the ducks.

Honking should be illegal. It should be unlawful to install horns in cars. But until that utopia, please don’t be a honkey. It doesn’t help.


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One Tweet Memoirs

November 23, 2018

typewriter

I have a Twitter account. OK, yes, but I have another Twitter account, called One Tweet Memoirs #1tweetmemoir. Nobody except a very small number of exceptional human beings follows it. So, I thought I’d bring it to Daisybrain! Here are some choice tweets from Eric Gordon’s* One Tweet Memoirs:

  • It turned out I had a second heart to give away. A memoir in one tweet.
  • I thought for sure I could survive on chocolate and peanut butter alone. A memoir in one tweet.
  • Andy Griffith. The Dick Van Dyke Show. Northern Exposure. Jessica Jones. I died and my flashback was all reruns. A memoir in one tweet
  • I followed the wind song. I followed the thunder. I followed the neon in young lovers’ eyes. A memoir in one tweet.
  • I was so much older then, I’m younger than that now. A memoir in one tweet.
  • I lived in the most powerful country in the world, one who’s population obsessed over the threat of alleged enemies. A memoir in 1 tweet. 
  • I’m a lumberjack and I’m OK. A memoir in one tweet.
  • I once was lost, but now I’m found by GPS. A memoir in one tweet.
  • My life has been a struggle for connection and autonomy. A memoir in one tweet.
  • I was part of everything. Then I was alone. Then I was part of everything again. A memoir in one tweet.
  • A tapestry to feel and see, impossible to hold. A memoir in one tweet.
  • Well, that was weird. A memoir in one tweet.
  • My world was a series of shrinking rectangular screens. A memoir in one tweet.
  • Narration, description, action, dialogue, theme. A memoir in one tweet.
  • I slept half the time. A memoir in one tweet.
  • I came together and divided hundreds of times. I had a tail for a while. I put clothes on & off. I ate many things. A memoir in one tweet.
  • I only remember the chocolate. A memoir in one tweet.
  • Preschool. Elementary School. Middle School. High School. College. Grad school. Unemployment. A memoir in one tweet.
  • My life has been a tapestry of rich and royal hue. A memoir in one tweet.
  • Born, grew, decayed, died. A memoir in one tweet.
  • I watched a lot of TV. And in my last moment on Earth, my life flashed before my eyes. And it was just a lot of TV. A memoir in one tweet.
  • I was born. I made more people. I died. A memoir in one tweet.
  • I was excited about the things I created. No one noticed. No one cared. A memoir in one tweet.
  • I spend all my waking hours procrastinating in cafes. A memoir in one tweet.
  • I am a mixture of water and carbon that has become aware of its own existence. And so I tweet. A memoir in one tweet.
  • I found love, lost love and ate love. A memoir in one tweet.
  • I came to this place and ate all the chocolate. A memoir in one tweet.
  • What if you wrote a blog and no one came to read it? A memoir in one tweet.
  • Born. Blinked. Started writing one tweet memoirs in my 50’s. A memoir in one tweet.
  • I watched a lot of TV. A memoir in one tweet.
  • What if you had 13,000 followers and not one of them reacted to this tweet? A memoir in one tweet.
  • Nobody but me cares if if doodlepiddy is not a word. A memoir in one tweet.
  • 16 clumsy and shy. A memoir in one tweet.

To avoid reading more of my one-tweet memoirs, don’t follow me at: @1tweetmemoir

*not my real name


Yet another Daisybrain post:

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1-Week Lifestyle Diet

November 18, 2018

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Hi. Last night, I was lamenting the fact that I live a less-than healthy life. I always put off things I know I should do. Sometimes I stay up all night wasting time online. Although I’m a vegetarian, I can go weeks or longer without bothering to eat a piece of fruit or even a green salad. I imagine this sort of constant regret is pretty common. But I came up with an idea!

I am embarking on a one-week Lifestyle Diet. You know how Gandhi implored us to be the change we wish to see in the world, instead of just grumbling about it and doing nothing? One way I interpret that is that I should be living the way I want to to live in the future. I always have this idea that someday, maybe after I win the lottery, I will purge myself of bad habits and live more in accordance with my ideals. But that day can’t happen without making it so.

And so, last night, I scheduled a maintenance visit for the toilet in my apartment to be fixed. I had been putting it off because I wanted to clean my bathroom before strangers came in too fix the toilet. Scheduling the maintenance meant I had to clean the bathroom. I also went ahead and meditated this morning, something I’ve told myself over the last month or three that I didn’t have time for. For the next week, everything I think I should do, I will do.

Today is Day One of my Lifestyle Diet. I will keep you posted on this very blog post with daily updates.

Day 1

Pretty good so far. I got enough sleep last night, didn’t eat massive quants of CBD oil from free samples at work. I actually ate a meal during my lunch break. The toilet repair people didn’t come, which means I have to keep my apartment clean for another day – good motivation. Also, I did all my morning health routines (mini-qigong, meditation, etc.) and ate a quasi-meal instead of just nachos for dinner.

Tomorrow is a day off work for me, which presents a challenge, but since I want to get out of the apartment before the repair people arrive unannounced, I will find some place to go & hangout and hopefully be productive. Maybe write a blog post? I’d say that I’d work on my book, but that would be crazily ambitious of me.

So far, so good.

Day 2

Got enough sleep. Only watched one episode of Sabrina last night. Ate a vegetarian breakfast burrito. Got my toilet fixed on World Toilet Day. Agreed to help out with an extra shift at work later today (it’s ok, I love my work friends), and am now sitting and blogging at a café. It’s 10:35, so good start.

Good news! My left eye stopped twitching! It had been twitching for three days. I suspected that my diet of chocolate and cheese was missing some sort of nutrient that my eye needed. Over the last two days I made an effort to eat vegetables, and now my eye is happy. I also washed the dishes I’ve been putting off washing for nearly a week, and sent the following meme to a coworker who, like I, sells CBD products at a retail outlet:

goldfish meme

In the olden days, before yesterday, I would have just put off sending it, but I wanted to cheer him up, and my new motto is: “Do Whatever it is That You Think You Should Do, But Don’t Because You Are Waiting For When You Get a Chance But Just Not Today Because It’s Getting Late.”  I know, it’s a bit wordy. I need to work on that. But the point is that I am still complying with my lifestyle diet plan of doing what I think is best instead of putting it off.

Tomorrow, I plan to indulge in some pastries, which I have been leaving out of my diet these last two days (and feeling good about). But that’s for emotional support, since I will be signing divorce papers and anticipate being sad. I don’t consider the pastries in that context to be a violation of my Diet.

Day 3

I ate the anticipated pastry, but also made sure to eat a salad, brush my teeth before bed… carry the rest of the boxes of clothes from my car to my apt., stuff like that. Any time I think, I should do that, but it can wait, I go ahead and do it. So far, nothing major has been accomplished – I didn’t finish writing my book – but lots of minor things have been taken care of.

Tomorrow, before work, I’ll make sure to eat some food that contains something other than muffin ingredients.

Day 4

Hmmm… I seem to have forgotten to write anything about Day 4, as it is now Day 5.

Day 5

It was Thanksgiving. It’s a fake US holiday that we are obligated by some sort of national contract to go through. But I got to see family members and eat a very delicious vegan feast that my sister somehow created all by herself.

I drove back the 2 1/2 hours to get to my apt. in time to wash clothes tonight, but the building’s washing machine is broken. So… no underwear tomorrow. But as long as I keep to my plan of productivity on Day 6, I’ll be happy with my progress.

Day 6

Evening. I am blogging, obviously. But more than that, I am hanging out with an artist-friend who is sitting across from me at this cool café drawing while I am writing. It’s my dream life. This is the kind of creative productivity, mixed with social interaction, that I have been unable to engage in for the past year or so. Is this a result of my Lifestyle Diet? I don’t know, but also I have the energy to hang out and write in the evening after work because I got to bed early. And, that was a result of my Lifestyle Diet. Contributing to my overall energy and feeling of wellness is the fact that I haven’t been eating pastry at every meal, as I had been doing.

“Maybe it’s not a Lifestyle Diet anymore, its just a lifestyle,” says my artist-friend sitting across from me.

Day 7

I ate too much, when I knew better. But, I was hanging out with friends at the time, and this is the first time I’ve hung out with friends in over a year. So my social health far outlays the detriment of that extra piece of vegan pizza.

I can’t say this 7-day Lifestyle Diet was dramatic – it was designed to be obtainable, not earth-shattering. My apartment is still a mess, but part of that is because the washing machine in my building is broken. I actually did a load of laundry at my friend’s house. So, I have clean underwear for tomorrow.

Over all, I’ve learned that just like a strange low carb or zero sugar or whatever diet, if it’s for a fixed period of time, I can make other changes to my behavior. Things I perpetually put off I found myself able to do because of the rule I imposed in my Lifestyle Diet: Whenever I think of something I should do, I just go a head and do it.

I recommend a 7-day Lifestyle Diet for anyone, catered to their particular undesirable behavior. The challenge will be whether it was a binge diet that will have no effect on my  lifestyle moving forward, or whether I’ve made some new habit, or at least lessened the power that old habits had over me.


Deep Hole

October 25, 2018

I have fallen into a very, very deep hole

And all it took was a suggestion of a push

Now what do I do?

And why have I fallen so easily?


Click hole to fall to another post:

hole


I Dreamed My Family

October 24, 2018

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I dreamed my family was really my family

Nights of holding in comfort

Of building more family

Days of building dreams

Of knowing, of connecting

Of being mutually indispensable

 

I’d like to argue about how to load the dishwasher 

And then laugh about it 

 

Finding value in sitting side by side getting nothing done

 

I wish we’d had a child

To be amazed by

And named her to make her real

 

The closer you come to me

The blurrier you get

Like you’re receding in the distance

Even as I can smell your yoga sweat

 

If we could just stop thinking

Be intertwined vines

Clinging to the wall

And to each other


Flower transport device:
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Rejected Rock Lyrics

September 25, 2018

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When musicians release promotional demo tracks, they often contain first draft lyrics that are later finessed into the final versions released to the public. For example, Eddy Cochran’s “C’mon Everybody” was originally recorded with “Let’s get together” as the repeated chorus. Compare the final and original original drafts of the following staples of the American popular music cannon:

Sometimes the differences are subtle, as in the Supremes 1966 classic hit “You can’t hurry love.”

Final lyrics:

My mama said, “you can’t hurry love
No, you’ll just have to wait”
She said, “love don’t come easy
But it’s a game of give and take”

Original Lyrics:

My mama said, “you can’t hurry love
No, you’ll just have to wait”
She said, “love don’t come easy
You’ll just have to masturbate”

Compare Carole King’s final version of “I feel the Earth move” with the original lyrics proposed by her songwriting partner, James Taylor, who suffred feom IBS:

Final lyrics:

I feel the earth move under my feet
I feel the sky tumbling down, a-tumbling down
I feel my heart start to trembling
Whenever you’re around

Original Lyrics:

I feel my bowels move under my seat
I feel the shit tumbling down, a-tumbling down
I feel my butt start to trembling
And the world turns brown

The King-Taylor songwriting duo also recorded “Where you lead, I will follow,” a pre-feminist tribute to women’s subordination, or a love song, depending on your level of woke. But the original lyrics were more about Taylor’s famous eating disorder:

Final Lyrics:

Where you lead, I will follow
Anywhere that you tell me to
If you need, you need me to be with you
I will follow where you lead

Original Lyrics:

Where you feed, I will swallow
Any food that you feed to me
If you feed, you feed me to eat with you
I will swallow what you feed me

The same pattern exists across all genres of popular music. Take the seminal punk rock band, the Ramones. Their upbeat love song, “Oh oh I love her so” was originally not about human love at all:

Final Lyrics:

I met her at the Burger King we fell in love by the soda machine….
Oh oh I love her so
Oh oh I love her so
Oh oh I love her so oh oh

Original Lyrics:

I met her at the Burger King I fell in love with a soda machine….
Oh oh I love a soda
Oh oh I love a soda
Oh oh I love a soda machine

Even the notoriously rebellious Sex Pistols changed their lyrics with changing market forces. Here are their final and original takes of “Pretty vacant,” a song originally designed as a sponsorship pitch to the makers of Tylenol™.

Final Lyrics:

There’s no point in asking you’ll get no reply
Oh just remember I don’t decide

Original Lyrics:

There’s no point in aspirin you’ll get no relief
Tylenol’s the one that you’ve got to belief

And finally, Maroon 5’s current hit, Girls like you, was originally about a medical procedure faced by aging frontman Adam Levine.

Final Lyrics:

Spent 24 hours
I need more hours with you
You spent the weekend
Getting even, ooh ooh
We spent the late nights
Making things right, between us
But now it’s all good baby
Roll that Backwood baby
And play me close….
‘Til sundown, when I come through
I need a girl like you, yeah yeah

Original Lyrics:

Spent 24 hours
I need more hours to poo
Colonoscopy this weekend
Gotta drink my poo goo
I spent all last night
Sitting on the toilet
Don’t know what a Backwood is baby
But please roll it.
Tomorrow they put a tube up my ass
I need to empty my bowels, yeah yeah yass.

—-
This daisy will take you to a post completely lacking in scatological humor:
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Some Poemish Songs (or songish poems)

September 24, 2018

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When I get it

I can’t make it out of my mind

I’m in such an awful bind

There’s this thing I need to find 

A hidden key of some kind

It’s eluded me before

It’s on the other side of a door

When I get it, I’ll be free

When I get it, I’ll change my destiny 


Siri, wake me up now

Siri, wake me up now

Siri, wake me up now

Siri, I want to get back to my real life. Please wake me up

Set the alarm for when?

Now

For what time?

The present time.

Siri, wake me up now.

Siri, wake me up now


 

Body Vacation

I’m going on a little vacation

I’ve got everything set up for my body to function smoothly for a couple of weeks without me.

My work schedule is set. I put money on my subway card. I got a bunch of quarters for laundry.

No surprise events – everything is pretty routine. I should be fine without me.

A lot of the people I interact with are on vacation too, so I won’t be missing anything.

I haven’t decided where I’ll go yet.

Perhaps a yoga retreat in Costa Rica.

Maybe snorkeling in Hawai’i.

Or just curl up in my bed for a long nap.

Yeah. That sounds good. I’ll sleep.

If you need me, leave a message with my body.


Click a daisy:

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