Things There Should Be

June 21, 2017

Here are some things that there should be:

  • Two names for two types of family – the family you came from, and the family you formed. The way things are now, we have sentences like, “Our family goes to my wife’s family. Then, I go to my family, but not with my family – they stay with her family.” I have been recently informed that the family you came from is called your “family of origin,” but that’s too remote sounding. How about “Parental Family” and “Self-Family”? Something. When you have the answer, post it in a comment, and I’ll tell the people in charge of speech.
  • Yoga should be called Human Origami.
  • Bungee ropes for store clerks. I thought of this when working at a store. The employee would be harnessed to elastic cords attached to ceiling tracks. The tension of the cord would lighten the load on the employee’s feet and would allow employees to effortlessly bound six to ten feet up in the air to grab items off top shelves for shoppers. They would feel like superheroes all day.
  • Bullet-proof vests for deer.
  • Museums should have blank, green pictures on their wall and give visitors special goggles that superimposed art over the green screen pictures. This way, one visitor could dial up, say, a Rembrandt collection, while another is viewing Van Gogh. Visitors would still have the experience of walking through a collection in a museum to see the art up close, but art wouldn’t have to be transported from museum to museum and could be preserved better.
  • Recognition software for fruits and vegetables, so we can get rid of those annoying stickers.

 

You should probably click the flower:

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Daisy Portals

June 14, 2017

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vegetables kill

June 12, 2017
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Angry Fruit By Fotokolaj On Deviantart

Author’s note: The headline of this post was created for dramatic effect, but to stay on the safe side, we should follow the following:

  • Appease the peas
  • Choke the artichokes

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Death, Despair & Desperation

June 7, 2017

Deep Inside My Head

A buzzing. A whooshing pressure.

My body is here but where am I?

Deep inside my head

The empty seat in front of me comes back into focus

I dreamt a lacquered coffin

Now I see one

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The United State of Trump

June 2, 2017

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Countries are at their most dangerous when their empires are in decline. That’s when authoritarian leaders gain power, with rhetoric about the rest of the world not taking them seriously anymore. We are seeing the first sign of this alarming development now, with Trump fantasizing that world is “laughing at us,” and that we have to assert our sovereignty. As US global influence diminishes, I fear that we are in for a sickening transformation of our nation into a a petty, belligerent, whiny country constantly looking for ways to assert its power for the sake of its own ego.

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How to Figure out That Whole Immortality Thing

May 31, 2017

Dear Geneticists,

Here is how I think you should go about figuring out the secret to immortality:

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Three Short Poems of Existential Angst

May 27, 2017

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Fuzzy Controller

There I am. Over there, in life

Surrounded by looming and swirling forces

I’m tiny

I wish I could catch my attention

It’s like playing a video game with a fuzzy controller

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