Emergency Blog Post!

August 21, 2016

Computer error

The Internet is Broken! Here’s proof:

  • “I don’t care about pandas” receives 21,300 results on Google, whereas “I care about pandas” receives five. That’s right, 5!!!!!
  • Yes, “I don’t care about kittens only gets 10 results,” but “I care about kittens” gets just six! Don’t believe me? Check it out – use quotation marks to be sure you’re getting results for the complete phrase. By now, this page may have been added to the total, so maybe the total is up to seven.
  • Just to be sure that it wasn’t just the way I phrased it, I tried sticking the word ‘do’ in there, as in “I do care about kittens.” The result? Two. Two posts in 27 trillion or so include the phrase “I do care about kittens.”

So, how do we explain the glut of kitten and panda videos saturating the internet? Obviously, the internet’s marketing department is behind the times. Because if they were paying attention, they’d be making more videos about snakes (“I care about snakes” = 9,600 results; worms (“I care about worms = 3,840 results); rocks (“I care about rocks” = 7,350 results; and ping pong (“I carte about ping pong = 1,360 results).

So get on it, Internet. Obviously people are tired of cute things online. Although thanks to hipster wannabes and hipster wannabe wannabes, bacon is still going strong online, with “I care about bacon” getting 10,200 hits.


Daisies take you places:

daisy2-e1467581849533


Poems that will get me killed

August 19, 2016

scared

What can I say? I like a dramatic blog post title now and then.

Personal updates:

  • I’ve decided to stop binge eating, beginning toorrow, so I have to finish off this loaf of “Four Cheese Medley Sweetbread” tonight.
  • I thought of with a new word today, “Huwomanity,”and am pondering how to use it… other than in this announcement.
  • Every day, I come up with a couple of what I think are pretty clever one-liners for my twitter feed, but absolutely nobody cares, whereas a celebrity just has to tweet, “cup” or maybe “#shoe” and 15 thousand people with “like” and retweet it. I have come to the conclusion that at least 14.9 thousand of those likes & retweets are from fans desperately hoping that the celebrity will notice them. This seems very sad and pathetic to me. But I still want 15 thousand of my own retweets & likes.
  • I have now finished eating the afore-mentioned loaf of bread, which brings me to the end of these personal updates.

And now, a poem about Monsters:

Thank goodness.

Weekend.

Monsters can’t get me on a weekend.

Monsters have to follow strict rules; they are obsessed with rules.

And they don’t work weekends.

It used to be that you had to invite a vampire into your house, and that was pretty easy to avoid, because vampires are generally very obvious in person.

But now, monsters try to get me through my calendar.

If they can’t make an appointment, they try to sneak in through the telephone or email.

They consider it an invitation if you answer the phone or even read an email they’ve sent under a name that you forgot was a vampire’s name.

The worst is memories.

All sorts of monsters lurk in memories, so it’s best to stay focused on the here and now.

Otherwise, you may be remembering some innocent thing like going swimming with high school friends, and a monster will reach out of the murky water beneath you, wrap its claws around your eyes, pull you underneath, and consume your soul.

And I need my soul, here with me, forever now, on the weekend.


Guess what? If you guessed “daisy,” you’re right! Click it!

daisy2-e1467581849533

 

 

 


Negativity in Poetry

August 15, 2016

angry couple

I am Angry

I am so angry

I am angry at everything

I want to throw and smash things

All because of machines

and the incompetent people who service them

***

Anger is

Anger is

pound on your head

tear off your face

grimace and repeat a meaningless swear word

There’s not enough oxygen in this cesspool

and even if I swim to the surface,

I’d suffocate in the dry air

And I don’t know how to swim outside of water

***

Hate Poem

I hate everything

Fuck you

***

Click the angry cat:

Angry cat


The Most Brilliant Things Ever Written

July 29, 2016

 

  • I discovered the other day that I was the greatest poet of all time. And, the mere fact that I hadn’t yet thought off any of my great poems did not in any way diminish that reality.

Read the rest of this entry »


Ocean Waves

July 6, 2016

Perpetual Motion

Soft Crashing

Washed Away


Click on the waves to be washed away to another Daisybrain post:

sunset on the beach with screw ocean wave


Top 10 Ways to Know if You are in a Movie (or TV show)

July 3, 2016

1. If you’re a Black woman in an otherwise White movie, you are: a sassy medical receptionist; a bland judge (if there are no other Black people in the movie) or a Loyal Black Friend (LBF). Good news though, female LBFs are no longer required to die, especially in romantic comedies.

Read the rest of this entry »


Legendary Heroes: Top 5 Overused English Words of the 21st Century

June 28, 2016

I hate introductory paragraphs, so let’s get right to the list.

Legendary. This moniker applies to every famous defunct band, dead entertainer or artist. I think people mean “iconic” when they say “legendary.” In any case, Let’s make a rule: From now on, someone has to be remembered 700 years after their death for them to be considered “Legendary.”

Read the rest of this entry »


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