Better Definitions for Words

I present to you improved definitions for the following words and phrases:

De-escalation

What people think it means: taking measures to reduce tension in a conflict

What it really means: taking the down escalator at the mall

Descending Order

What people think it means: a list that proceeds downward in value or rank

What it really means: the command that Ronald Reagan believed he could issue to bring back nuclear missiles after firing. (also written, “De-sending order”)

Flamboyant

What people think it means: exuberant manner or dress

What it really means: the superpower ability to float on water while engulfed in flames

Republican

What people think it means: a major political party in the United States

What it really means: licking a pub, again

Restaurant

What people think it means: a place to purchase and eat prepared meals

What  it really means: a place to put your aunt, if she is in need of a rest

Tremendous

What people think it means: fantastic; superb

What it really means: a prayer to a tree god for healing (also written, “Tree, mend us.”)

Antelope

What people think it means: a deer-like animal with varieties native to Africa and Asia

What it really means: This term involves the romantic lives of ants.

Cantaloupe

What people think it means: a delicious, orange-fleshed melon

What it really means: when the afore-mentioned ants are unable to elope

Tangent

What people think it means: a straight line that touches, but does not cross, a curve

What it really means: a gentleman who has spent time in the sun

Precede

What people think it means: to come before

What it really means: to stealthily plant crops before the other farmers

Protractor

What people think it means: a device used to measure angles

What it really means: a professional tractor

Mustard

What people think it means: a yellow or brown condiment made from the crushed seeds of a mustard plant

What it really means: a strong feeling in one’s bowels

Instigate

What people think it means: to bring into action

What it really means: a quickly constructed barrier that politicians can point to as evidence of their intolerance of immigrants

Remember

What people think it means: to bring forth from memory

What it really means: to once again become a member; to become a remember of a group, one must first rejoin it

Stereotype

What people think it means: to assign a trait or quality to an entire group of people

What it really means: the tiny writing on the back of your stereo system that includes the serial number

Debark

What people think it means: to get off a plane or ship

What it really means: cruel treatment of a dog or a tree

Disembowel

What people think it means: to tear out one’s guts, especially common in zombie movies

What it really means: a satisfying trip to the bathroom

Neologize

What people think it means:to create a new word

What it really means: to apologize anew, perhaps for creating a new word

Look beneath this daisy for some inherently funny words:

dasy

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13 Responses to Better Definitions for Words

  1. Thanks for your visit to my blog, and your comment. I’m glad to find yours – it’s a great service you’re doing for the language! English needs new words, and news defs for some old ones. I’m working on a similar list of new defs for words that have fallen out of use, in an effort to bring them back into the fold.

    Like

    • ericesad says:

      Have you created your list of new definitions yet, Deborah? I have just written a list of new political terms, which popped into my head today while I was home feeling a bit sick. So I guess that makes them the product of a sick mind.

      Like

  2. Kiki says:

    Haha. The post about the restaurant made me want to eat out now.

    Like

  3. Joe Nickell says:

    Those are so pussy!

    Like

  4. ericesad says:

    Why, thank you! I would like to think of them as Pussy awesome, or even hella pussy, but I don’t want to toot my own pussy.

    Like

  5. Gabriel says:

    Just wanted to say I loved your definitions. Have you thought about registering them and publishing a book? I’d buy it.

    Like

  6. Varsha says:

    I found this post extremely hilarious. Newer definitions are really well thought. My first time here, my sister-in-law directed me here and I am really thankful to her 🙂
    Enjoyed it!

    Like

  7. subhash says:

    thank you. it is a interesting defenation of words

    Like

  8. Jon.Jnr says:

    Here’s wishing you a very happy and prosperous new year !

    Like

  9. […] Better Definitions for Words […]

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