How to Improve Sports


Soccer would be more fun to watch & take more strategy to play if each team has 3 goals they had to defend, spread around the perimeter of the field.


Football helmets should be attached to shoulder pads in a one-piece armored suit that contains super shock absorbers. The intent would be to eliminate brain and other serious injuries.


Boxing should be virtual. Each player has a 3-D holographic avatar of him/herself, controlled by electrodes attached to a full body suit. Points are scored by skillful boxing, with no broken noses, concussions, or bitten off ears.


In the event that boxing and football are banned some day due to people coming to grips with how damaging they are, they should be replaced by full contact ballet – beautiful, yet brutal.


The viscosity of the water should be increased as the swimmers near the finish line, until they are barely moving through a thick sludge.


Random golf balls should be rigged to explode. Penguins should be incorporated into the game. Players should be allowed to tickle each other. One hole on the Green should be infested with poisonous snakes. Anything to make it interesting to watch.

Tae Kwan Don’t

For those who don’t like Tae Kwan Do.

Figure Skating

For some reason, there’s an obligatory crotch shot in figure skating, when the skater is obliged to skate in front of the judges with one leg in the air so they can get a good view of her underwear. I think skaters should have a message written on their underwear for this portion of the show. Perhaps, “Pick me!” or “Hi Mom!” or “Sponsored by Arm and Hammer.”


Running should be conducted on a high tech track that moves in the opposite direction of the runners so that the runners don’t appear to be running away, and the audience always has the runners directly in front of them. You’d be able to watch all the details of the race right in front of you. It might be a little freaky for the competitors, if they looked to the side and saw that no matter how fast they ran the seated audience was always next to them.


It would be hard to improve basketball, but I think that attaching elastic bungee cords from the ceilings to the players might be fun. Then there would be practically no limit on how high they could jump.


It should be called “Goodminton.” Then it wouldn’t scare off so many people.


Something should actually get squashed.


Calling it “the American pastime” is a marketing mistake, since it sounds like it’s past time that Americans should be interested in it. I suggest calling it, “softball on steroids.”


Relying on another species to play a game seems bizarre to me. What do the horses think about this? They are trained to spend their lives functioning in a way that makes no sense in terms of survival behavior. I suggest that we let another species ride us around in some strange ritualistic manner that we can’t understand. Perhaps beavers could cling to our necks, force us to run circles around trees and down to the river where they would slap the water with strips of bark. Other beavers would sit around us in a circle making excited beaver noises.


6 Responses to How to Improve Sports

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  2. bracketbracket says:

    Cat Polo

    Each team is made up of equal numbers of very feisty cats and people. Each member of team A must hold onto a cat from team B. You run around the field trying to get opponents to drop their cat. There would be many group plays, and people will run backwards like cars in a demolition derby. For the last 5 minutes of the game, catnip is rained onto the field from above. A cat once dropped cannot be picked up, but to step on or even touch a fallen cat eliminates the player. Victory is won by the team with the largest number of the other team’s cats, still in their hands at end of regulation play.


    • EricIndiana says:

      Meow! It sounds like you have had experience trying to hold on to someone else’s cat while they were scratching to get out of your arms. Maybe the same game could be played with toddlers. Or babies – you are eliminated if the baby you are holding cries while you are running to the finish line to get its pacifier.


  3. Jeffersonic. (DSK) says:


    @Swimming: Have you talked with the Jello people? Maybe one of their factories slated to be closed can accommodate this improvement to the sport. I am visualizing a sort of pentathlon: While the swimmers are making their way through the vats of Jello, rice, chocolate, banana or persimmon puddings, they would be engaging in the eating contest portion of the event. Whilst fording between vats, the participants will engage in fencing, pistol shooting and horseback riding alternately. Extra points will be awarded for ‘maintianing one’s decorum’, (not vomiting). Sorry about using the word whilst.

    @Golf: Your ideas for golf are as perfect as I can imagine. They caused me to chortle vociferously. I kept my blinds down and windows shut because it’s illegal to chortle vociferously in certain sections of Florida. If only Tiger Woods
    had brought his radical improvements in the world of golf to the actual game of golf, this conversation probably wouldn’t be taking place. We would all be glued to the television, waiting to see if he was going to get stuck in a mantrap.


  4. […] How to Improve Sports […]


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