What’s up with corporate names? Are they taunting us with their inappropriateness? If you don’t believe there’s a conspiracy to humiliate themselves or to test our ability to notice bizarre word choices, please consider the following:
- IBM – Oh really? You BM? Do I have to know how proud you are about your Bowel Movements?
- Seimans – Was this name designed to cause middle schoolers to laugh? Anyway, the plural of semen is just semen.
- Does anyone else find it shocking that Northwest Airlines chooses to use the abbreviation NWA? They even use the domain name nwa.com. Are they completely unaware of the band N.W.A.?
- The Body Shop has as their inane slogan, “Natural Beauty Products Inspired By Nature….” But I would expect to buy bodies at a body shop. I think a place called the Body Shop should have as its slogan, “Dead Bodies Inspired by Death.”
- United Record Pressing – Remember records? They were the really big CDs made from vinyl. This company, United Record Pressing, still makes vinyl records. They must have great respect for their product. But they don’t appear to have much respect for their customers. They go by their abbreviation, URP. I mean really, calling your customers “pee” is no way to keep a loyal clientele. No wonder vinyl is dead.
- COX Communications. They used to be my internet provider. It was very embarrassing when I had to tell people my email address out loud. It sounded like this: “Eric dot Indiana at cocks dot net.” What was worse was I had all these mushy, peacey email addresses, like “nonviolence” and “peaceworks” and they all ended with “cocks dot net.”
I suggest that companies just name themselves for what they are. Apple Computers has nothing to do with apples. They should just be called, “Cooler Looking Computers with Fun Packaging.” Comcast, my current cable/internet/telephone provider, should be called, “Regional Cable Monopoly With Sketchy Customer Service.” All these banks with pseudo-socialist names, like “Peoples’ United Bank,” “Citizens’ Bank,” “Community Trust Bank,” “The Co-operative Bank,” “The Union Bank,” “Community First Bank,” “First Volunteer Bank of Tennessee,” “PathFinder Bank,” and “Farmers’ State Bank,” should just call themselves, “We Make Money Off Your Money.” Insurance companies should be called, “Leeches on Society That You Can Never Get Rid Of.” Ice cream companies should call themselves, “Frozen, Flavored Coagulated Milk Fat & Sugar.” All meat products should be labeled, “The Insides of Dead Animals.”
Now that would be some truth in advertising.