Glasses Incident

Normally, I don’t blog about my life. My blog posts tend to be impersonal reflections on language and reality. But recently, I’ve been stuck trying to come up with interesting word insights. I’ve been working on a list of new definitions, but who cares that if you add an extra ‘s’ to promising it becomes a word for a missing prom (promissing)?

So while that post is on hold until I regain some inspiration, I thought I’d share a story of what happened to me the other day. This incident would either define me as a shlimazel or a shlimeil, I’m not sure which, maybe both – any Yiddish experts out there?

To place this story in some context, I had officially started a diet about a week before the Glasses Incident. My stepson has been annoyingly helpful in keeping me loyal to my diet. On this particular day, I had just driven some middle school students home from a field trip, and was refueling the school van, with my stepson in the front passenger seat. I managed to distract him in a very clever maneuver involving the radio and a dropped notebook. I did this so that I could reach across the van to surreptitiously grab a bag with a chocolate-peanut butter cupcake that I had secretly purchased at a stop on the field trip. I was quite proud of myself for deceiving my stepson. But, when he saw me take a bite of the illicit cupcake, he snatched the cupcake, put it back in the bag, and commenced to beating me about the head with it. In the fray that ensued, my glasses flew off. I couldn’t find them, but assumed that they were somewhere in the van. We drove back to the school to clean out and return the van. My glasses were nowhere to be found.

It occurred to us that the glasses may have flown out the window when I was trying to avoid being beaten with the cupcake, so I drove back to the gas station where the cupcake malay had occurred. As we approached the station, I saw a woman bend down near the street and pick something up. In my blurry vision I thought it must be my glasses. I swerved the van toward her, rolled down my window and loudly asked her if she had my glasses. It turned out that she had been stooping down to pick up a cigarette. She seemed somewhat freaked out by me as I tried to explain why I had been shouting to her about my glasses and she hurried away.

I continued to drive into the gas station to park when I heard a crunching sound not unlike the sound of a van driving over a pair of glasses. My stepson thought I had driven over my glasses, but I actually thought the glasses were really still lost somewhere in the van. To humor him, I got out of the van and looked underneath, where, lo and behold, I found the fragments of my former glasses.

My stepson found this entire ordeal extremely amusing, and still talks about the freaked-out woman I accidentally terrorized while she was picking up a cigarette.

As an aside, I think I should mention that these had been an old pair of back-up glasses, as I had long before lost my real glasses. I took the broken glasses to an eyeglass store and while they were trying to piece them back together, I purchased a new pair of glasses. Miraculously, the eyeglass professionals were able to fix my glasses. Since I had also ordered a new pair, I then had two pairs of functioning glasses. When I came out of the store and got into my wife’s car, I reached under the seat, on a whim, and found the old lost pair of glasses from long ago. So, then I had 3 pairs of glasses. I have since lost one pair, in case you are keeping track.

I think that if this story has a moral, and every story should, or else it’s hard to bring it to a satisfying end, it’s that one should stick to one’s diet.

And now for something completely different: Mollusks are Taking Over the World. Click the flower to learn more:

dasy

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6 Responses to Glasses Incident

  1. Samir Hafza says:

    The other, real moral of the story is that whoever cacuums your car (and I do hope you have this done from time to time), ask them to do it thoroughly and have them pick up whatever they find under those seats, whether used napkins or glasses.

    (And if they find coins, add those to their tips 🙂

    Samir

    Like

  2. Samir Hafza says:

    Didn’t mean to belittle the importance of your dieting in my earlier reply. I am sure it’s quite a challenge to deal with your withdrawal to your food addiction. And your stepson is to be commended for watching you.

    But here’s my take, or advice, if you will: According to a Muslim dietary teaching, “Don’t eat unless you are hungry; and when you start eating, never get full.”

    If every American follows this rule strictly, Type 2 DM (and cancer and heart disease) will drop dramatically. I guarantee you.

    Of course, experts caution you against consuming pure sugars, fatty foods, processed foods, too much carbs, etc. And they would be absolutely right. But go back to that rule above and your body will soon realize its benefits.

    Remember:”No pain, no gain.” Trite but true. So, this rule must be followed for the rest of your life.
    In addition, (and this is not a Muslim dietary rule; it’s coming from me): While you’re following your diet, remind your stepson to remind you to eat lots and lots of fast food! Yes, you heard me correctly–FAST foods, such as, apples, bananas, berries (the darker the healthier, due to their antioxidant content), oranges, etc. There’s nothing faster than peeling a banana and eating it. No need for drive-thru windows, no waiting in line, and none of that obligatory “Welcome-to-Our-Such-and-Such, and Have-A-Nice-Day” greetings. Be sure to eat those fast foods BEFORE you begin your main meal, for the obvious reason that you want to be half satiated before you don’t get fully satiated, if you know wharra I mean.

    Chew your food slowly. Eating fast would confuse your satiety center in your brain as to how much food has entered your stomach.

    Never eat after 7 P.M., unless it’s one piece of the above-mentioned fast foods–and only if you feel hungry.

    If you’re over than 35, get your doctor to put you on a low-dose aspirin (81mg daily) and one of the statins whether they think you need them or not. This is in order to cleanse your blood vessels–and believe me, unless you’re President Clinton or Dick Cheney, you don’t know how clogged they’ve become.

    Last, but not least, constatntly remind yourself that the closer your food to earth, the better for you to eat it. Processed foods are bad. So whole wheat bread is better than the flour-full white bread. Eating an orange is better than drinking orange juice (less processed). An egg is better boiled than fried. You get my drift?

    And please, please, stay away from those preservatives as much as you can. I know, I know, in our culture, in our stores, this is a real uphill battle, but try and try.

    Good luck, and stay well.

    Samir

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  3. Johnnnny B. says:

    When Harry Truman left to fight World War One, he took along 20 pairs of glasses – perhaps you should consider this approach?

    Like

    • Samir Hafza says:

      Someone told me once that it’s better to use the term “First World War,” instead of “World War One.” This latter phrase connotes that there will be a third and a fourth, etc.
      Wharra you think?

      Like

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