Revealed: The True Names of Towns

Some town and city names need to be slightly altered to reveal their true identities. After extensive research, I have discovered the following true names of commonly misspelled locations:

  • Alcohol abuse runs rampant in the small town of Hanover, New Hampshire, home of Dartmouth College. One small “g” inserted into Hanover reveals the true identity of this town: Hangover.
  • Haverhill is a common New England town name. There are Haverhills in New Hampshire, Massachusetts, Maine, and a North Haverhill in Vermont. There is also a disease called “Haverhill Fever,” also known as Rat Bite Fever. I think it would therefore be more fitting to drop the “h” and  name these towns Haver-ill.
  • Towns surrounding Nashville, Tennessee have been inundated with coal ash, contaminating the ground water. One nearby town was buried in a coal ash landslide. In fact, Nashville should lose the “n” and call itself Ashville.
  • Hoboken, New Jersey: It’s not just the place where Hobo Ken lives. And, it is not merely the “artificial insemination capital of the world.”* In the late 1970s and early ’80s, so many buildings were burned down in Hoboken to rid the city of its immigrant population and make way for the current gentrification, and so dysfunctional is the city government, that an “r” should be added to rename the city Hobroken.
  • I was mugged in Madrid, Spain, so I’m changing the name to Ma-dread.
  • Ontario is the only Canadian province that does not have building codes for safe ventilation. “Wha-huh?” you ask. But wait – there’s more: Ontario is the only province that does not annually report incidences of cancer; Ontario is the only province that has refused to implement its own immigration program; the Liberal Party is increasing in popularity in every province but Ontario; Ontario is the only province that isn’t on a path toward a balanced budget; and Ontario has resisted public pressure to apologize for a sinister, secret police powers law. For this, and many other reasons, I hereby dub the province, Contrario.
  • Madison, Wisconsin: Republicans passed anti-union legislation that resulted in enormous demonstrations and a recall election. The state is so polarized politically, and tempers so high, that a couple of well-placed spaces give a truer impression of the current state of the city, Mad Is On.
*Line from a science fiction movie, but I can’t remember the name of it – does anyone know?
Would you like some suggestions for personalized license plates? Here are some profound and some not so profound:

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