- Vagisil For Men – sold in a blue bottle
- Belly Button Lint Screen
- Placebo Pills
- Cialess, to avoid embarrassments that can occur, for example, when boys are called to the front of the class to do a math problem on the board
- 3-D Audio Description, so the blind can enjoy 3-D movies as well. It would be a narration with things like, “Ahhhh! It’s coming really close!”
- Two-Way Egalitarian Hands-Free Dog Leash: It would have a loop at each end, one for your dog’s neck, the other for yours
- Steel-Toed Socks – The comfort of socks with the durability of steel
- Outdoor ant feeders
- Serious Putty
- A decorative flat screen TV with no picture or sound – all the status with none of the annoying TV shows
- Freeze-dried water: just add water to rehydrate
Future childhood syndrome diagnoses:
- “Childhood Laziness” will be considered a qualifying condition for special education services, requiring special accommodations and treatable through an intensive drug regimen. The name of the condition will later be changed to “Ambition Deficit Disorder.”
- What we used to call “a bad attitude” in adolescents will now be clinically diagnosed as “Negative Affect Symptomatic of Teenage Years,” or NASTY.
- Refusing to return the greetings of passing adults used to be considered bad manners. It will soon be understood as “Oppositional Behavior Learned In Various Institutions Observed Ubiquitously in Schools,” or OBLIVIOUS.
And now this: