A Libyan man has killed himself in reaction to an anti-Islamic video produced by an Egyptian-America Coptic Christian man. In this exclusive interview, Tarek Waled explains why he killed himself.
“At first, when I heard about this video, I wanted to kill the Egyptian-America Coptic Christian Film-Maker who produced it. But he lived very far away in America, and was probably in hiding. So, I decided to kill another film-maker. But I couldn’t find any film-makers in my town. There’s a guy down the street who posts videos of cute cats to Youtube, but I wasn’t sure if that counted. Then, I thought, “Duh, he’s American! I’ll kill an American, or at least someone wearing a Justin Bieber t-shirt.’ But all the Americans had already been killed or had left the country. So then, I decided to kill a Christian, but I soon realized I didn’t know any and I didn’t feel like wandering around searching. Then it struck me: This guy lived in the Northern Hemisphere. All of Libya is in the Northern Hemisphere. My choices of whom to take out my anger on were a bit overwhelming. So that’s when I decided to narrow it down to a man. After all, this guy was obviously a man. So I started walking back to my house, but then I remembered that my family consisted of my wife, my daughter and my 7-year-old son, who wasn’t a man yet. I thought about waiting 6 or 7 years for him to grow up, but I wanted revenge sooner than that. So, I kept thinking. This film-making man, he probably has a family. I can kill my whole family! But when I got home, I saw that my family was out, perhaps looking for another family to kill in response to this family-man’s video. I was getting a bit discouraged. But then I realized that this creature who made the video, he was a living organism. So I killed my house plant. But my need for vengeance was not yet satisfied. I looked around and that’s when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Perfect! I was a living being, plus I was a Northern Hemispheric man. Also, with great pain, I remembered that I had frequented a local Kentucky Fried Chicken franchise as a youth. So, I killed myself.”
For further inspiration for taking out your anger on people who remind you of a threat, listen to the Phil Ochs song that’s waiting under this flower:
p.s. If you are offended by this satirical article, please take out your anger on someone else who writes satirical articles… perhaps the author of the one under this flower: