Thought Pimples

ketchup-mustard-mascots

  • Jew-ish: kind of Jewish. “Why isn’t he coming to services? I thought he was Jewish.” “Well, he’s Jew-ish.”
  • There are small and capital letters; there should be small and capital numbers. They would function in the same way as the capital letters. You would capitalize the first in a string of numbers. 10,217 would be 0,2017. 297 would be ⊆97. I leave the rest of the characters to you to figure out.
  • Shockingly, this sentence has never, until now, appeared anywhere online: “Honey, I dismembered the kids.”

  • Algorithm: The beats put down by Al Gore when he’s drumming in his Latin Fusion band, “Al and the Global Warm-up Band.”

Headlines I’d like to see:

Scientists Discover a Use for Cream of Tartar

Second Week Passes Without Anyone on Earth Saying “Whatever”

Brazil Nuts Genetically Modified to Taste Good

Expression “Have a Good One” to be Phased Out

And finally, do you ever sit around with an almost-complete blog post, thinking, “I just need one more zinger – one more damn pun or wacky observation with which to end this post?” And as your desperation grows, you start thinking about things that were funny to you in 6th or 7th grade? And finally, unable to conceive of any other option, you type:

“Catch up, catch up!”

“No, must turd, must turd!”

and then you feel shame? Well, I do.

This daisy will take you places:

dasy

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