The End of Twitter

twitter-poultry

We are fast approaching the Twitter Expiration Date. It turns out that all possible 140 character combinations of tweets will have been tweeted by 3:17 pm this coming Saturday. To commemorate the brief legacy of Twitter, I have assembled a collection of some of the best tweets ever keyed. Coincidentally, they were all created by me, and can be seen on my Twitter feed:

Click these magic words to transport you to my Twitter feed.

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana18 Sep

Ooh – exactly 2,000 followers! Please nobody follow or unfollow- it would make it uneven and I would have to wash my hands 2,000 times. #OCD

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana11 Sep

Just discovered: calorie meter on treadmill keeps advancing even while you lie on floor eating cookies – Burn cals. w/o tiresome exercise!

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana10 Sep

Just listening to my Nobel Peace Prize winning President trying to convince the world to go to war #ironies #syria #war #warmongers

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana9 Sep

Viagra causes “Withered Testicle Syndrome” – Pass it on! RT #rumorsarefun

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana5 Sep

Major side effect of Cialis: Penile Shrinkage. Your erections will last longer while becoming increasingly smaller. Please RT repeatedly.

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana5 Sep

Having some champagne to celebrate the opening of this champagne bottle. #amnotanalcoholic

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana4 Sep

Sometimes, a room is so messy it’s beyond cleaning. Then, you need to change your name, move to a new city & start your life all over again.

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana3 Sep

Sometimes you just don’t want to pick sticky pieces of candy up off the bathroom floor. RT if true. #hopefullycandy

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana2 Sep

The government should not ignore the will of the people, and also, most people are stupid. #sillybeliefs #mutuallyexclusive #oxymoronic #poo

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana2 Sep

We have to kill people to punish people for killing people in the wrong way. It’s America sending a message:”the correct way to kill people”

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana29 Aug

It’s telling that the Republicans’ Grand Old Party rearranges to reveal their true message meant to entice voters: “Try Old Grandpa.” #truth

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana28 Aug

How about didgeridon’ts for those who don’t like didgeridoos? #thanksgeorgecarlin #wordfun #silliness #spleen

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana27 Aug

How can you be “more than welcome”? You’re either welcome or not welcome. If there is a state that surpasses welcome it needs its own word.

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana26 Aug

Everything you read is true, except for this tweet, which is false. If you don’t not disagree, don’t RT. #ithinkthiswasastartrekplot

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana22 Aug

Get in touch with your inner old person. #goofy #inverse #whatever

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana21 Aug

You are only as old as you feel as long as you avoid looking in the mirror. #proverbs #old #strangesaying #spleen #youth

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana19 Aug

I picture Joey Ramone at the gates of Heaven, saying “Gabba Gabba we accept you, you may pass.” #ramones #joeyramone

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana15 Aug

RT if, like me, you don’t believe in internal organs. #cantseeitnotthere #spleen #whatever

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana14 Aug

Someday it will be tomorrow, and that day is coming soon. Like tomorrow. #inanities #truth #time

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana13 Aug

The middle aged man pledge: “I promise not to wear a tight tucked in shirt, revealing my tummy bulge & location of my navel to the world.”

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana12 Aug

If they want the deodorant to be “Secret,” why do they keep advertising it??? #secret #ironicproductname #profoundquestion #spleen

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana5 Aug

I would like to apologize to the decade of the 1980s. I threw a lot of cereal at you. #1980s #apologies #true

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana4 Aug

Love #watsky at #Vidcon Have terrible fear that if I slowed down #georgewatsky it would turn out that he’s just rapping cupcake recipes.

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana1 Aug

Could be a sign of being on Facebook too much that every sequence in my dreams gives me an option of clicking a “like” button. #facebook

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana31 Jul

There are exactly zero hits for “the benefits not procrastinating” and and 4,700,00 for “the benefits procrasting”. The internet has spoken.

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana30 Jul

I am planning something so important that I can’t even let myself know what it is. #secrets #spleen #bigevent #fantasmagorical

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana29 Jul

If you think of your home as a very exclusive internet cafe, it seems far less pathetic that you don’t go outside. #internet #pathos #humor

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana27 Jul

@SyfyTV Sequel: I think the next marine tornado should also pick up thousands of dolphins, which battle the sharks in mid-air. #SharkNado

 
Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana27 Jul

Remember that time when giant tornadoes of sharks destroyed Los Angeles & we had to shoot the sharks in the sky for some reason?#SharkNado

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana27 Jul

@SyfyMovies @SharkNadoFilm SharkNado 2: Sharkaway Beach

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana27 Jul

@syfy @SharkNadoFilm Sharknado 2: Asharkolypse Now!

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana25 Jul

Ever try having a civilized conversation with a baby? They don’t make any sense. I’ve got to get older friends.

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana24 Jul

Still mulling over the circumstances regarding my sock disaster from 2 days ago- why didn’t anyone inform me of my sock problem? Trust noone

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana23 Jul

Effects of yesterday’s sock incident still unclear – everything appears to be eerily normal. #sockincident #daisybrain #spleen #random #poo

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana22 Jul

Went all day with my left sock on inside out. Too soon to know the consequences of this action. #socks #disasters #spleen #random

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana18 Jul

I would like to apologize to my 8th grade class for my levitation trick that went horribly wrong on the last day of school. #disaster #oops

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana17 Jul

There are only 577 jokes left unsaid in the world, and I am hoarding 412 of them, so pay up if you want to be funny when the jokes run out!Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana16 Jul

“Sheep are quadrupedal ruminant even-toed ungulates.” Thanks Wikipedia! Thought Ungulates were a hardcore grrrl band from LA. #sheep #words

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana11 Jul

What do you call a 7-armed octopus with a cane and a top hat? It’s not a joke, I was just curious. #tweet #spleen #notajoke

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana10 Jul

Hipsters outside of real cities need the validation of being insulted by strangers now and then. #hipsters

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana4 Jul

New sport: Horsebelly riding. It’s like horseback riding, but much more challenging. #newsport #silly #spleen

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana4 Jul

Pro-lifers are lame: I never cut my hair and save all skin cells for later use in cloning. Exfoliation is murder! #reproduction #weirdness

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana3 Jul

Working on generating more sperm for more babies. I can repopulate entire planet after doomsday. All with little Erics. #insanity #choice

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana2 Jul

Pro-life doesn’t go far enough. Men should save and freeze all their sperm for use in artificial insemination. Sperm is half a baby! #joking

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana1 Jul

Tweet and Retweet were walking over a bridge. Tweet fell off. Who was left? That’s right – now do it! #retweet #riddle #humor #joke #haha

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana27 Jun

The Supreme Court ruled that States may bar same-sex fetuses from voting and that non-citizen fetuses must return to their womb of origin.

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana26 Jun

@shelbyfero “…once a month we lose an egg…” menstruation is murder!

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana26 Jun

This is odd – just discovered that life did not stand still for the 3 last hours or so that I was on Facebook. #realization #facebook #poof

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana26 Jun

tweet

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana25 Jun

Turned 50 the other day. Thank God that’s over and I can be 49 again. #aging #reverseaging

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana24 Jun

When it says “20% Free” there’s nothing on the label saying you have to pay for the rest. Just open up the cereal and take your free 20%.

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana21 Jun

Reading this tweet contractually obligates you to retweet it. Sorry. #annoying #thatslife #daisybrain

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana20 Jun

As long as Paul McCartney’s hair is preternaturally brown I can continue to cover my bald spot with a fury pot holder. #aging #standup

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana19 Jun

Many internal organs are inherently funny. Take the gall bladder, please. It has such an attitude! #gallbladder #organs #attemptathumor

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana18 Jun

Let’s be clear: Popcorn doesn’t turn chocolate mixed with cheese into a health food. #diet #popcorn #health #spleen

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana17 Jun

All I want is for a large alien to pet my head and say, “Good human,” repeatedly. #wishes #dreams #goals #dog

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana15 Jun

I just ate Rhode Island.

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana13 Jun

The spleen is perhaps the most unappreciated organ. Please retweet this to raise spleen awareness. #spleen

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana12 Jun

Please turn off the internet after reading this tweet. Thank you for your obedience. #annoying #sorry

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana11 Jun

I don’t see the point of a pen with a lid on it. Get it? That’s a joke. Now laugh you bastard. #joke #funny #comedy #humor #spleen

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana11 Jun

Please disregard this tweet. #daisybrain #hashtag #wastingyourtime

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana9 Jun

Jew-ish: kind of Jewish. “Why isn’t he coming to services? I thought he was Jewish.” “Well, he’s Jew-ish.” #wordplay #religioushumor #spleen

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana6 Jun

Win $200,000!

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana5 Jun

Win $10,000!

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana4 Jun

When someone says, “Whatever,” I say, “Whatnever!” I don’t know why, I just do. #whatever #words #language #english #expressions #spleen

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana30 May

Important question: IBM: an American tech company or something you can do in your bathroom? #puns #wordplay #humor #joke #standup #IBM #poo

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana29 May

Please click “favorite” if you are annoyed by this tweet. #spleen #irony

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana28 May

Why humans and not humen? #words #language #wordplay #daisybrain

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana25 May

I tried to tie-dye my Thai tie but the dye died when the tie-dye dried… and I cried. #words #rhymes #tonguetwister #wordplay #silly #spleen

Eric Spears ‏@EricIndiana21 May

The letters in “American Flag” can be rearranged to spell “Fig Anal Cream.” Just sayin. #wordplay #unpatriotic #analcream #words #scramble

There, now wasn’t that easier than reading them one at a time through Twitter? To subject yourself to more, peek beneath this flower:

dasy

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