We are fast approaching the Twitter Expiration Date. It turns out that all possible 140 character combinations of tweets will have been tweeted by 3:17 pm this coming Saturday. To commemorate the brief legacy of Twitter, I have assembled a collection of some of the best tweets ever keyed. Coincidentally, they were all created by me, and can be seen on my Twitter feed:
Click these magic words to transport you to my Twitter feed.
Ooh – exactly 2,000 followers! Please nobody follow or unfollow- it would make it uneven and I would have to wash my hands 2,000 times.
Eric Spears @ EricIndiana 11 Sep
Just discovered: calorie meter on treadmill keeps advancing even while you lie on floor eating cookies – Burn cals. w/o tiresome exercise!
Just listening to my Nobel Peace Prize winning President trying to convince the world to go to war
# ironies # syria # war # warmongers
Viagra causes “Withered Testicle Syndrome” – Pass it on! RT
Major side effect of Cialis: Penile Shrinkage. Your erections will last longer while becoming increasingly smaller. Please RT repeatedly.
Having some champagne to celebrate the opening of this champagne bottle.
Sometimes, a room is so messy it’s beyond cleaning. Then, you need to change your name, move to a new city & start your life all over again.
Sometimes you just don’t want to pick sticky pieces of candy up off the bathroom floor. RT if true.
The government should not ignore the will of the people, and also, most people are stupid.
# sillybeliefs # mutuallyexclusive # oxymoronic # poo
Eric Spears @ EricIndiana 2 Sep
We have to kill people to punish people for killing people in the wrong way. It’s America sending a message:”the correct way to kill people”
Eric Spears @ EricIndiana 29 Aug
It’s telling that the Republicans’ Grand Old Party rearranges to reveal their true message meant to entice voters: “Try Old Grandpa.”
How about didgeridon’ts for those who don’t like didgeridoos?
# thanksgeorgecarlin # wordfun # silliness # spleen
How can you be “more than welcome”? You’re either welcome or not welcome. If there is a state that surpasses welcome it needs its own word.
Everything you read is true, except for this tweet, which is false. If you don’t not disagree, don’t RT.
Get in touch with your inner old person.
# goofy # inverse # whatever
You are only as old as you feel as long as you avoid looking in the mirror.
# proverbs # old # strangesaying # spleen # youth
I picture Joey Ramone at the gates of Heaven, saying “Gabba Gabba we accept you, you may pass.”
# ramones # joeyramone
RT if, like me, you don’t believe in internal organs.
# cantseeitnotthere # spleen # whatever
Someday it will be tomorrow, and that day is coming soon. Like tomorrow.
# inanities # truth # time
The middle aged man pledge: “I promise not to wear a tight tucked in shirt, revealing my tummy bulge & location of my navel to the world.”
If they want the deodorant to be “Secret,” why do they keep advertising it???
# secret # ironicproductname # profoundquestion # spleen
I would like to apologize to the decade of the 1980s. I threw a lot of cereal at you.
# 1980s # apologies # true
at # watsky Have terrible fear that if I slowed down # Vidcon it would turn out that he’s just rapping cupcake recipes. # georgewatsky
Could be a sign of being on Facebook too much that every sequence in my dreams gives me an option of clicking a “like” button.
There are exactly zero hits for “the benefits not procrastinating” and and 4,700,00 for “the benefits procrasting”. The internet has spoken.
I am planning something so important that I can’t even let myself know what it is.
# secrets # spleen # bigevent # fantasmagorical
If you think of your home as a very exclusive internet cafe, it seems far less pathetic that you don’t go outside.
# internet # pathos # humor
Eric Spears @ EricIndiana 27 Jul
Sequel: I think the next marine tornado should also pick up thousands of dolphins, which battle the sharks in mid-air. @ SyfyTV # SharkNado
Remember that time when giant tornadoes of sharks destroyed Los Angeles & we had to shoot the sharks in the sky for some reason?
@ SyfyMovies SharkNado 2: Sharkaway Beach @ SharkNadoFilm
@ syfy Sharknado 2: Asharkolypse Now! @ SharkNadoFilm
Ever try having a civilized conversation with a baby? They don’t make any sense. I’ve got to get older friends.
Still mulling over the circumstances regarding my sock disaster from 2 days ago- why didn’t anyone inform me of my sock problem? Trust noone
Effects of yesterday’s sock incident still unclear – everything appears to be eerily normal.
# sockincident # daisybrain # spleen # random # poo
Went all day with my left sock on inside out. Too soon to know the consequences of this action.
# socks # disasters # spleen # random
I would like to apologize to my 8th grade class for my levitation trick that went horribly wrong on the last day of school.
# disaster # oops
There are only 577 jokes left unsaid in the world, and I am hoarding 412 of them, so pay up if you want to be funny when the jokes run out!
Eric Spears @ EricIndiana 16 Jul
“Sheep are quadrupedal ruminant even-toed ungulates.” Thanks Wikipedia! Thought Ungulates were a hardcore grrrl band from LA.
# sheep # words
What do you call a 7-armed octopus with a cane and a top hat? It’s not a joke, I was just curious.
# tweet # spleen # notajoke
Hipsters outside of real cities need the validation of being insulted by strangers now and then.
New sport: Horsebelly riding. It’s like horseback riding, but much more challenging.
# newsport # silly # spleen
Pro-lifers are lame: I never cut my hair and save all skin cells for later use in cloning. Exfoliation is murder!
# reproduction # weirdness
Working on generating more sperm for more babies. I can repopulate entire planet after doomsday. All with little Erics.
# insanity # choice
Pro-life doesn’t go far enough. Men should save and freeze all their sperm for use in artificial insemination. Sperm is half a baby!
Tweet and Retweet were walking over a bridge. Tweet fell off. Who was left? That’s right – now do it!
# retweet # riddle # humor # joke # haha
The Supreme Court ruled that States may bar same-sex fetuses from voting and that non-citizen fetuses must return to their womb of origin.
“…once a month we lose an egg…” menstruation is murder! @ shelbyfero
This is odd – just discovered that life did not stand still for the 3 last hours or so that I was on Facebook.
# realization # facebook # poof
Turned 50 the other day. Thank God that’s over and I can be 49 again.
# aging # reverseaging
Eric Spears @ EricIndiana 24 Jun
When it says “20% Free” there’s nothing on the label saying you have to pay for the rest. Just open up the cereal and take your free 20%.
Reading this tweet contractually obligates you to retweet it. Sorry.
# annoying # thatslife # daisybrain
As long as Paul McCartney’s hair is preternaturally brown I can continue to cover my bald spot with a fury pot holder.
# aging # standup
Eric Spears @ EricIndiana 19 Jun
Many internal organs are inherently funny. Take the gall bladder, please. It has such an attitude!
# gallbladder # organs # attemptathumor
Let’s be clear: Popcorn doesn’t turn chocolate mixed with cheese into a health food.
# diet # popcorn # health # spleen
All I want is for a large alien to pet my head and say, “Good human,” repeatedly.
# wishes # dreams # goals # dog
I just ate Rhode Island.
The spleen is perhaps the most unappreciated organ. Please retweet this to raise spleen awareness.
Please turn off the internet after reading this tweet. Thank you for your obedience.
# annoying # sorry
I don’t see the point of a pen with a lid on it. Get it? That’s a joke. Now laugh you bastard.
# joke # funny # comedy # humor # spleen
Please disregard this tweet.
# daisybrain # hashtag # wastingyourtime
Jew-ish: kind of Jewish. “Why isn’t he coming to services? I thought he was Jewish.” “Well, he’s Jew-ish.”
# wordplay # religioushumor # spleen
Eric Spears @ EricIndiana 4 Jun
When someone says, “Whatever,” I say, “Whatnever!” I don’t know why, I just do.
# whatever # words # language # english # expressions # spleen
Important question: IBM: an American tech company or something you can do in your bathroom?
# puns # wordplay # humor # joke # standup # IBM # poo
Please click “favorite” if you are annoyed by this tweet.
# spleen # irony
Why humans and not humen?
# words # language # wordplay # daisybrain
I tried to tie-dye my Thai tie but the dye died when the tie-dye dried… and I cried.
# words # rhymes # tonguetwister # wordplay # silly # spleen
The letters in “American Flag” can be rearranged to spell “Fig Anal Cream.” Just sayin.
# wordplay # unpatriotic # analcream # words # scramble
There, now wasn’t that easier than reading them one at a time through Twitter? To subject yourself to more, peek beneath this flower: