Future News


Man Sued For Illegally Avoiding Ads

Walmart joined Nike, Exxon Mobile, Viagra and the Natural Gas Lobbying Association in class action lawsuit against a Hartford man who illegally downloaded Adblock in an unauthorized attempt to block placements of advertisements in his cerebral cortex. “It’s like taking money out of our clients’ pockets,” complained an unnamed lawyer for the plaintiffs. The lawsuit seeks unspecified damages, jail time, and a complete reprogramming of the defendant’s brain.


Supreme Court Rules Against Gay Fetuses

In a landmark 5-4 decision, the Supreme Court ruled today that Southern States may bar same-sex fetuses from voting and that non-citizen fetuses must return to their womb of origin. News of the decision was leaked by a fugitive fetus who is being sheltered by a hostile nation.

Future-NewsFirst Digitally Composited President Elected

The nation and the world celebrated the election of Jackie Blands, the first world leader created entirely from user input. After the successful merger of the Democratic and Republican parties in 2018, thousands of focus groups were polled to created the most widely acceptable candidate in history. Polling data was combined with metadata of “likes,” “follows” and “unthinkingly loyals” from social media. Critics of partisanship and political gridlock hailed the move as an opportunity to move beyond petty “issues” toward a future of universal consensus. President-Elect Blands assured the public today, “I stand not for anything, but for you, the people,” further quipping, “I am all genders, all ethnicities, and all likable!” Programmers of the President-Elect are busy amassing public opinion data to determine their first policy initiatives.


Parents Sue Teen Daughter

Samantha and Erik Henderson have successfully sued their 16-year-old daughter Tahsia for “Insubordination, insufficient participation in household chores, excessive online game playing, and replacing the family’s native language of English with a series of grunting sounds.” After a well publicized 2014 case in which a teen sued her parents for college money, parents across the country have turned the tables, finding legal reprieve against their children. Experts say the legal actions have no effect on the family dynamics, pointing out that teenagers already feel persecuted by their parents.

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