1. If you’re a Black woman in an otherwise White movie, you are: a sassy medical receptionist; a bland judge (if there are no other Black people in the movie) or a Loyal Black Friend (LBF). Good news though, female LBFs are no longer required to die, especially in romantic comedies.
2. If you find yourself in a horror movie and you have an accent that’s not North American, the good news is that you have special ethnic clairvoyance and can warn the impetuous White kids not to go where they will inevitably be killed. The bad news is that your mysterious knowledge won’t save you. Your best bet is to warn the kids & promptly leave town.
3. If you randomly come across a gun in a drawer, you will end up killing someone with it. You may as well turn yourself in to the police now.
4-7. If you punch a bad guy in the face and do not face any sort of legal repercussions, you are in a movie or a TV show, and are free to slap your boyfriend, question a suspect without reading them their Miranda rights, and, if running from danger in a city, you may barge in through the window of an apartment building (5th floor or above), past a family eating dinner, and out through their front door.
8. If your arm has been cut off but fails to bleed, you are in a Star Wars movie. Be careful hanging out with your father or son.
9. If there’s someone clinging to the roof of your car, you are in a movie. Shooting through the roof is useless, as the bullets will always miss. Your best bet is to crash the car before s/he smashes the window with their fist and pulls you out of the car.
10. If you are impervious to gunfire while doing a summersault, you are in a movie. Keep doing summersaults until you are out of bullet range.
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