- I discovered the other day that I was the greatest poet of all time. And, the mere fact that I hadn’t yet thought off any of my great poems did not in any way diminish that reality.
- If you want to save unborn children but want to kill them when they grow up to be different than you or live in countries you hate, you are an asshole.
- If you think that a politician is going to either destroy or save the country, you are delusional.
- There should be an Unautocorrect app to decipher those notes that Siri garbles.
- There should be an Unautotune app to hear what “singers” really sound like.
- There should be an Undo app to find out what your life would have been like if you had made a different pivotal decision.
- There is no religious belief system that is internally consistent.
- On November 9, 2016*, Donald Trump, the greatest performance artist of our time, will remove his mask and reveal that he is, in reality, Andy Kaufman.
*Update: Obviously I was slightly off in my prediction. The revelation came last Tuesday. Everyone forgot by Wednesday in the wake of unimagined new scandals and revelations from Washington.
And now, click the following daisy to read the most important poem ever written about fruit: