Poems that will get me killed

What can I say? I like a dramatic blog post title now and then.

Personal updates:

• I’ve decided to stop binge eating, beginning toorrow, so I have to finish off this loaf of “Four Cheese Medley Sweetbread” tonight.
• I thought of with a new word today, “Huwomanity,”and am pondering how to use it… other than in this announcement.

• Every day, I come up with a couple of what I think are pretty clever one-liners for my twitter feed, but absolutely nobody cares, whereas a celebrity just has to tweet, “cup” or maybe “#shoe” and 15 thousand people with “like” and retweet it. I have come to the conclusion that at least 14.9 thousand of those likes & retweets are from fans desperately hoping that the celebrity will notice them. This seems very sad and pathetic to me. But I still want 15 thousand of my own retweets & likes.
• I have now finished eating the afore-mentioned loaf of bread, which brings me to the end of these personal updates.

And now, a poem about Monsters:

Thank goodness.

Weekend.

Monsters can’t get me on a weekend.

Monsters have to follow strict rules; they are obsessed with rules.

And they don’t work weekends.

It used to be that you had to invite a vampire into your house, and that was pretty easy to avoid, because vampires are generally very obvious in person.

But now, monsters try to get me through my calendar.

If they can’t make an appointment, they try to sneak in through the telephone or email.

They consider it an invitation if you answer the phone or even read an email they’ve sent under a name that you forgot was a vampire’s name.

The worst is memories.

All sorts of monsters lurk in memories, so it’s best to stay focused on the here and now.

Otherwise, you may be remembering some innocent thing like going swimming with high school friends, and a monster will reach out of the murky water beneath you, wrap its claws around your eyes, pull you underneath, and consume your soul.

And I need my soul, here with me, forever now, on the weekend.

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Guess what? If you guessed “daisy,” you’re right! Click it!