Hey Honky!!!


Want to improve the quality of life in the City? Stop freaking honking. There is never any need to honk. Oh, shut up! I hear you saying idiotic things like, “What if you have to warn somebody…?” That literally never happens. There is never a toddler wandering into the street holding a kitten who will only be saved by you honking your horn and terrifying them back to the curb. The only way to save that kitten’s life is for you to stop and not hit them.

My recurring fantasy is to hire all the car thieves in the City to go around at night and disable people’s horns. Can you imagine the serenity of the next morning? People would have to resort to old fashioned screaming their lungs out when the person in front of them paused 1 1/2 seconds before going at a green light.

Here are some arguments against honking, just in case you are a moron and still disagree with me:

  1. Everyone wants to get where they are going! Nobody is slowing down on purpose to annoy you. If they haven’t screeched forward as the light is starting to turn green, it’s because their foot is on its way to the gas peddle. It won’t measurably slow down your trip to wait. Either that, or they’ve just had a stroke and honking won’t help.
  2. When you honk to punish people, it just adds to the noise pollution and tension in the City. No one is going to go back in time and undue their driving error because they’ve been scolded by your honk. Besides, are you a perfect driver? No, you’re not. Shut up.
  3. Usually you’re honking two or three cars behind the car that hasn’t moved fast enough for you. But, as I said, no one is slowing down on purpose. There’s probably an elderly school teacher leading an elementary class of disabled children across the intersection on their way to feed baby ducks. I’m not going to mow them down because you honked. Think of the ducks.

Honking should be illegal. It should be unlawful to install horns in cars. But until that utopia, please don’t be a honkey. It doesn’t help.


One Response to Hey Honky!!!

  1. Beanboy says:

    I just had lovely honk exchange. I was making a left turn, on a New Orleans road (aka thru several deep potholes). Since I didn’t want to bend my axle, I took the turn slowly. That’s when they honked. A small dark green sedan. So, I honked back. Then they honked back, so I honked back. Then they honked back, so I honked back. At this point we were about 2 blocks apart so I’m not sure if the driver returned my third honk. Anyways. I’m a fan of the honk. It builds character or something.


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