Pandemic Tweet Diary

Here are highlights from my tweets over the last few months, which give a fairly comprehensive story of the coronavirus pandemic.

Dec 9, 2019

Bloomberg is rich

with a burning 4-year itch

to be the White House resident

and redeem the 1 percentagent

Feb 19

#shavemayorpete Also, is that a pimple? I worry about that kid.

Mar 13

You’d better give me chocolate pie, or I swear to God I will touch my face!

Mar 15

Thanks Bernie & Joe for warning us about that ebola sars thing out there #DemDebate2020

Mar 16

In light of the perpetual pandemic, I am making the transition to full virtual reality, and will exist only as an algorithm. I will no longer have a need for physical contact, food or shelter and plan to shack up with the love of my life, Siri.

Mar 16

It’s the #endoftheworldasweknowit and I feel… mildly anxious and depressed.

Mar 21

I would like to announce that I have tentatively decided to put on pants.

Mar 22

My obligatory quarantine video:

Mar 23

Covideo 2: Quarantine Diary Day 2 or so

More fun at home. Today’s episode: What to flush down the toilet?

Mar 25

Covideo 3: The third installment in my Quarantine Diary…

Mar 25

Mar 26

Twitter Poll: What’s Next????

Martian Clown Army Attack: 0%

Moon leaves Earth 4 Venus: 0%

President Eric Trump: 100%

2 votes · Final results

Mar 27

I vow to not end my quarantine in my apartment, until every surface is covered with wine, chocolate, and spilled vegan ice cream stains.

Mar 27

Dogs are absolutely loving this time of coronavirus. Constant walks. This time will be barked about for generations.

Mar 27

Covideo 4: Quarantine Gift Idea

The long-avoided fourth installment in my Quarantine Diaries

Mar 29

If I ever start any video or presentation of any kind with “Hey guys…” shoot me. Thank you.

Mar 31

Obsessive-Compulsive People Everywhere are like, “Yeah — not so crazy now, am I???

Apr 2

I just listened to a Nature podcast about dating an ancient hominid skull. They never addressed my main question, which is, no matter how beautiful this skull may be, why would anyone want to date it? Have we really become that desperate in the age of social distancing?

Apr 2

The problem I have with Hoarding food is that no matter how much I buy, I eat it all at once.

Apr 2

I kinda like how all the zillion dollar late night tv shows now look exactly like public access tv. It’s a great equalizer.

Apr 3

Damnit! So many pickles.

Apr 3

Just wanted to share that I was walking home & people came out of their houses in my neighborhood & cheered me as an essential worker. It was embarrassing until I remembered – oh yeah, I work at a food market.

Apr 4

I haven’t worn pants since the pandemic of 2020.

Apr 4

Note to self: Don’t tell me how to live my life.

Apr 5

I fear that this pandemic will drive me to do something I never considered doing before: Cleaning my bathroom when there’s no visitor coming over.

22h

There is no future – I’ve sold all my pants on eBay.

21h

It is now clear that the Tiger King started the coronavirus pandemic. 

29m

Just trying to imagine the call: “Hi hospital. This is the zoo. Our tigers are dry coughing! We need Covid tests quick… you know, the ones you don’t have enough of for the public.”

If you want to boost my ego by following on Twitter, here’s my account:

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And here is something from before the apocalypse: