Eric’s Words of Wisdom

May 28, 2018

Who is Eric? We don’t know. But here are his Words of Wisdom:

  • You are only as old as the exact amount of time you have spent alive.
  • When someone asks you to smell milk to see if it’s gone bad, say, “No.”
  • Saying, “Long story short,” doesn’t retroactively make the story short.
  • If you ask, “Can I ask you something?” then you already have.
  • No one can ever be “more than welcome.” You’re either welcome or you’re not. You’re welcome.
  • Farting slowly as you walk through a store does not limit the damage.
  • Watching a cooking contest on TV is like watching a music contest with the sound turned off. In both cases, you place a ridiculous amount of trust in the judges.
  • It bothers the employees of a store less that you steal their pitted fruits and more that you spit the pits on their floor for them to clean up. Please spit your stolen pits into a trash can.
  • Yelling “Whoo!” outside sporting and concert arenas is never appropriate, especially outside my apartment window.
  • If you live long enough, everything good for you will become bad for you… and good for you again.
  • The sociopath who thought of repackaging stale cookies as “scones” was a marketing genius.
  • You are only as old as your biological age.

Link:

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Brand New Words!

April 25, 2018

fruity jam

The following words did not exist until I made them up. You’re welcome!

  1. Flambertoast (n): Toast spread generously with flamberjam
  2. Flamberjam (n): A sweet spread made of crushed flamberberries
  3. Flamberberry (n): The fruit of the flamberbush
  4. Flamberbush (n): The deciduous plant that produces the edible, and slightly radioactive, flamberberry

OK, one thing kind of led to another there. Breaking free of that loop. Here are some more practical new words:

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Messages Sent!

April 14, 2018

We send messages to the world!

Messages! That’s our job. We send them through Twitter & through bombs. Sometimes we send them through hush money. Here are our some of most recent messages:

Hello world! We can blow you up!

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Are Rock Lyrics Sexist?

April 5, 2018

I’ve always despised the sexist lyrics of Simon & Garfunkel’s Homeward Bound, which includes the despicable lines:

Home where my love lies waiting
Silently for me.

What a great role for a woman: to lie in bed silently until her man, who’s out on the road seeking public adoration, bestows his presence once again upon her. Is she allowed to eat during her bed-waiting time? Is she allowed to speak once he has returned? We may never know. But it got me thinking:

Are Rock Lyrics Generally Sexist? Here’s an easy way to find out: Reverse the pronouns! Let’s try it with a few popular songs from throughout the decades:

  • From the hit Elvis song, Baby, Let’s Play House:

(This song reached #5 on Billboard’s Country Singles chart in 1955)

Well, you may go to college,
You may go to school.
You may have a pink cadillac,
But don’t you be nobody’s fool…

Now listen to me, baby
Try to understand.
I’d rather see you dead, little boy,
Than to be with another woman.

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Alphabet Story

February 21, 2018

Screen Shot 2018-02-22 at 2.18.05 PM

An apple always appreciates anything advertised as “Astronomical!”

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How to Build a Treadmill Desk – the Series

January 15, 2018

I made an educational video called How to Build a Treadmill Desk. It has received over 20,000 views, which may not be viral, but maybe it qualifies as some sort of minor infection. Perhaps a blister. It’s gone blisterous. I followed the video with two more pieces that delve into the complex and rewarding world of making treadmill desks. Here are links to all three!


Click the daisy for something completely different:

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I’m So Bored with the USA (new lyrics)

November 21, 2017

Yankee teenager
He want to shoot some China White
He met it in New Hampshire, but now
He can’t afford a bite

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