On a Lighter Note…

July 13, 2020

Here are some things never before said on the internet! I call them Google virgins:

“I left my phlegm there”

“People remember pencils”

“Nobody will eat my toes”

“Strange that the internet knows nothing”

“String is an American treasure”

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The Essential Coronavirus Dictionary

May 16, 2020

Screen Shot 2020-05-16 at 11.36.47 AM

  • Covidiary: That is what I have been presenting in my Covideos
  • Covideos: My covidiary series on Youtube.
  • CoVidcon: What I assume the next iteration of the Vidcon video tech convention will be
  • Cocovid: A delicious quarantine treat
  • Coronazi: Protesters demanding that the elderly die so they can have uninterrupted mask-free pedicures
  • Coronarcissist: Madonna, thinking that she is suffering, just like the poor people, from her isolation in her emerald rose petal-sprinkled tub
  • Virustic: The quaint English countryside setting of Sir Patrick Stewart’s home whence he shares renditions of Shakespeare’s sonnets
  • Hydroxychloroquine: Generic term for an alleged panacea that anyone who is not a moron knows will do more harm than good; see “injecting Lysol”
  • Injecting Lysol: An expression meaning “We are all fucked”
  • Quaranteenager: What we devolved to on about the 13th day of quarantine
  • Quarantinfoil: What you wrap around your head whilst in quarantine to block the 5G signals that cause Covid.
  • Quarantinderbox: What society feels like right before people riot for their right to get mask-free pedicures in a packed hot yoga locker room.
  • Apocalipsync: The comedy stylings of Sarah Cooper
  • 20: The number we all dread after we finally rid ourselves of Covid-19.

Here are more words, arranged for your entertainment:

daisy


Can You Make a Poem About…

March 30, 2020

The other day, a friend asked if I could write a poem based on a prompt, and if so, if I could write a poem about eating with your hands. It turns out that eating roasted vegetables with your hands lets you enjoy them better than with a fork or chopsticks. It’s just a fact.

So I wrote the following:

 

Eating with my fingers

Such a sticky delight

mashing mashed potatoes

in the middle of the night

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