On a Lighter Note…

Here are some things never before said on the internet! I call them Google virgins:

“I left my phlegm there”

“People remember pencils”

“Nobody will eat my toes”

“Strange that the internet knows nothing”

“String is an American treasure”

Neo-Definitions… just because

Tired of words and their stuffy old meanings? Now you can use the same words… differently! (Plus I threw a few made up words in there.)

Request: When you go on a quest… again

Pandemic: Too many pans

Transmute: A transgender person with laryngitis

Essential Workers: People forced to work and die to make more money for the elite rulers of the Greedocracy

The Essential Coronavirus Dictionary

• Covidiary: That is what I have been presenting in my Covideos
• Covideos: My covidiary series on Youtube.
• CoVidcon: What I assume the next iteration of the Vidcon video tech convention will be
• Cocovid: A delicious quarantine treat
• Coronazi: Protesters demanding that the elderly die so they can have uninterrupted mask-free pedicures
• Coronarcissist: Madonna, thinking that she is suffering, just like the poor people, from her isolation in her emerald rose petal-sprinkled tub
• Virustic: The quaint English countryside setting of Sir Patrick Stewart’s home whence he shares renditions of Shakespeare’s sonnets
• Hydroxychloroquine: Generic term for an alleged panacea that anyone who is not a moron knows will do more harm than good; see “injecting Lysol”
• Injecting Lysol: An expression meaning “We are all fucked”
• Quaranteenager: What we devolved to on about the 13th day of quarantine
• Quarantinfoil: What you wrap around your head whilst in quarantine to block the 5G signals that cause Covid.
• Quarantinderbox: What society feels like right before people riot for their right to get mask-free pedicures in a packed hot yoga locker room.
• Apocalipsync: The comedy stylings of Sarah Cooper
• 20: The number we all dread after we finally rid ourselves of Covid-19.

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Here are more words, arranged for your entertainment:

Can You Make a Poem About…

The other day, a friend asked if I could write a poem based on a prompt, and if so, if I could write a poem about eating with your hands. It turns out that eating roasted vegetables with your hands lets you enjoy them better than with a fork or chopsticks. It’s just a fact.

So I wrote the following:

 

Eating with my fingers

Such a sticky delight

mashing mashed potatoes

in the middle of the night

How to Build a Treadmill Desk – the Series

I made an educational video called How to Build a Treadmill Desk. It has received over 20,000 views, which may not be viral, but maybe it qualifies as some sort of minor infection. Perhaps a blister. It’s gone blisterous. I followed the video with two more pieces that delve into the complex and rewarding world of making treadmill desks. Here are links to all three!

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Click the daisy for something completely different:

Avoid These 10 Jokes

I shall now drink two cups of coffee and create ten jokes. Remember kids: Coffee can stunt your growth. And jokes can cause anal-ear disorder, also known as “ear-itated bowel syndrome.” OK, that counts as one of the ten.

2. Until the label says otherwise, I’m gonna keep assuming that a bottle of wine is 1 serving.

Original Post

Is it possible to have a truly original thought? Yes, I say! I assert that the following thoughts have never before been thought in the history of thinking:

1. If penguins came out of my nose right now they’d be on fire.

Ward of Wordcraft

Foxify: to convolute & twist around any news story until it becomes an indictment of Democrats.

The Outciders: a cool name for a cider company.

What if We Hired People for Other Jobs the Way We Hire Politicians?

A Police Officer:

“You should hire me because that other gal that interviewed hangs out with known crooks.”