Google Proves Trump Right!

This week’s news has the White House saying that miners (people who dig stuff up out of the ground, not people who are children) don’t watch public television (PBS). Thus, they are proposing to eliminate federal funds for PBS. I figured that there must be a “Miners for Public Television” advocacy group. So I googled it. No “Miners for Public Television” or even “Miners for PBS.” So, the White House must be right. What else are they right about? I decided to google some phrases to find out….

1. “People think Trump has small hands” gets zero results. Therefore, people think he has big hands.
2. Also, no hits for “People like Hillary better than Donald.” You’re on a roll, Donny!
3. “People think Donald Trump is stupid”: According to Google, as of March 16, 2017, only 4 people think this.
4. Finally, 155,000 hits for “Donald Trump is the best president ever.”

So, the White House can rest easy. I decided to continue my search for truth on the internet, and this is what I discovered:

A Passel of Google Virgins

Passel: a large group of people or things of indeterminate number

Google Virgins: phrases that do not yet appear anywhere on the world wide web, according to Google (sorry, vast majority of people who found this post by typing in the word “virgin”)

Surprisingly Non-Virginal Google Phrases

After discovering so many Virgin Googlisms, I figured it would be easy to come up with more phrases that don’t appear on the internet. Instead, I discovered that the following unlikely phrases actually do occur in nature, so to speak. They are rare, but they pre-exist this post:

• “Organize your farts” (2 results)

Mollusks are Taking Over the World

Several days ago, I created a follow-up to my previous post, More Google Virgins!. Like the original post, it contained startling new revelations based on phrases that don’t appear in a Google search. The title of the post was, “Kraft Does Not Make Real Food.” This carefully researched statement was based on the fact that, according to Google, no one has ever posted the phrase, “Kraft makes real food” on line. Not even Kraft itself, one of the largest food manufacturers in the world, has ever claimed that its food is real.

I was about to add the finishing touch to my new post – a dire warning about the takeover of the Earth by mollusks (“Mollusks are not taking over the world,” doesn’t exist on line), when I discovered that my new post had mysteriously vanished. Now, some might say that I either never saved the draft of the post or that I was using a faulty computer that appeared to be clicking on “save draft” but was, in fact, doing nothing. I, however choose to believe that Kraft Foods has taken down my post. Come to think of it, they have probably taken down ALL anti-Kraft posts. You want evidence of this? None of the following phrases appear on line outside of this very post:

More Google Virgins!

I need more traffic to this blog, so it’s time to write another post with the word “virgin” in the title. For regular followers of Daisybrain, you may remember that Virgin Google Phrases are ones that, astoundingly, do not appear in a Google web search. For those who have followed a lead to the title of this post for other reasons, I’m sorry to disappoint; when you are done with your other internet activity, you are invited to come back to read the following phrases which apparently no one has ever written before:

We start today with an obvious one, “My head is made of sausage.” No one has ever expressed that in writing, on line. Perhaps it’s not possible to express yourself if your head is filled with sausage, or even if you have that belief. Remember, when searching for virgin googlisms, enclose the phrase in quotation marks to be sure you are searching exclusively for that phrase. Here are some more:

Virgin Google Phrases

Over the years, I’ve been surprised by how many phrases get zero hits on Google. In other words, apparently, until this very moment, nobody has ever typed, “naked celebrities you don’t care about” in a web site. You would think that with trillions of sentences on billions websites it would be harder to come up with an original line. But no! Here are some other totally unique phrases. Please feel free to tell me about your own, in the comments field. Remember to test the phrases in quotation marks, so all the words have to appear in the correct order for Google to report them.

1. “That’s my cheese, damnit!”
2. “Who has the best nostrils?”
3. “Are you sure that’s your mouse?”
4. “Hire penguins for cheap”