How to Make Life Better with Words

• Whenever I’m lonely, I take my carpet, add a space and I have a car pet that I take with me on road trips.

Wordly-Words

July & July 

Why is the month of July (Jü-l) pronounced differently that the given name, July (Jü-l)? The reason these two heterographs (words with different meanings and sounds that are spelled the same) confuse me is that they both come from Julius Ceasar. In fact, the given name comes from the month, just like the name “April” comes from a month. Back in Ceasar’s day, there wasn’t a letter  “j” available, so his name began with the common Latin combination of the letters i and u. Although the letter j is said to have come about as an i with an added flourish, it’s interesting that it looks like a combination of i and u. But none of that answers the question of why the name “July” is pronounced differently than the month “July”. The month of July was originally spelled “Julie,” but I don’t know if that was pronounced, at the time, the same as the name “Julie”.  This all points to a larger question: Why would anyone outside of my own brain care? Since I can’t think of an answer for that either, I’d best move on.

New Words for Old

Slight misspellings can create a new world of words. It’s like the genetic mutations that make evolution possible. So, here’s to the evolution of the language:

• Independance: A solo dance
• Burgerlar: A hamburger thief

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How to change numbers:

• Take all the fours in the world, put them all together, and you have a meta-4.
• Pulverize a pound of eights and you have pile of particuleights.
• Seven and eleven are odd numbers, yet they are made mostly of even (seven and eleven). Take the evens out and replace them with the more fitting odd, and you have sodd and elodd. Please use these versions from now on. Thank you.
• “Nine” sounds exactly like the German word for “no”. This is far too negative for a positive number. From now on, let’s leave off the e, and call it “nin“. It will also help to immortalize the band Nine Inch Nails (NIN), which will, in turn, help us to remember that it stands for 9. Of course, the band will have to drop the e as well. This will make them Nin Inch Nails, and they can get rid of the superfluous part and finally just be Nin.
• From millipede to millennium, the prefix mill- means thousand. Yet, we use it to denote a number 1,000 times greater than 1,000. From now on, we will be calling this number: 1,000 “one million.” Please adjust your math homework and test answers accordingly.

Stew’s Last name is Pidd.

“What would he want, Woody?” asked Owen.

“He would want to call in Collin,” answered Woody.

“Would he, Woody? Would he, really, Woody? Would he?”

“When will you stop, Owen? Oh when, Owen?” pleaded Woody.

Pro Blog

This post needed a picture of some kind.

Now time to procrastinate by writing a blog post. Remember, it’s not just some amateur crastination – it’s a pro. That’s why I am obligated to do it. You gotta listen to the pros – protractors (much better for farming than amateur tractors), procreation (God was an amateur creator; I look for creations made by pros), programmers (English teachers are pro grammars), proteins (amateur teens just don’t know how to rebel), prostitutes (clearly better than substitutes) and proverbs (regular verbs are boring).

Wordination

Iron is both an essential nutrient and a health hazard linked to heart disease and cancer. But they should have known about this contradiction – after all, iron forms the basis of the word ironic.

1-2-3-4

Dee Dee Ramone, by J. Ladrone

1

A wonton was won by only one; only one won one wonton. Wondering which one won one wonton? Juan won. Woo Juan!

Text Puns

1. Angle Angle Angle
2. TYPE TYPE
3. turn turn a dress
4. 9W

G-O-C-U-E

Gee!

Gus, the gargantuan gargoyle, gargled and guzzled gaspacho with great gusto. But that’s just Gus.