Pussy is in trouble!

I had vowed to myself not to write any more posts with the word “pussy” in the title. But events have conspired against such restraint. Our definition of pussy on urbandictionary.com is getting thumbs down votes! Someone is going in there and repeatedly voting against our pussy!

For those not yet in-the-know, we here at Daisybrain have launched a planet-wide campaign to redefine pussy in positive terms. Our definition, currently #11 (out of 122), reads:

Pussy

Cool or awesome; exciting and new

Example: “That band’s totally pussy, dude! They rock!”

Many of you have spent the last several weeks repeatedly visiting urbandictionary.com and voting us up & up (you can vote about once every 8 hours). Of course, your vote is doubly effective if you vote the vile, misogynistic  definitions down, and we have been very effective in that endeavor. So it should come as no surprise that anti-pussy forces are fighting back. At the time of this writing, there were 11 thumbs down votes for our pussy. While that may not sound like a lot, that number was 10 when I got up this morning, and before the Thanksgiving break it was, I don’t know, 2 or so. So someone doesn’t like our pussy.

If you would like to help reinvigorate the pro-pussy campaign, please visit urbandictionary.com and vote our definition thumbs up. While you’re at it, I discovered this other awesome definition for pussy that I have rescued from way down near the bottom of the list. With repeated visits, I’ve brought it up to #26:

Pussy

1. n-all parts between a woman’s legs, except the anus, every one of them good and sweet
2. n-courage, strength, fortitude
3. v-to demonstrate courage, strength, fortitude

Examples:

1. I’ve got no use for a lover who doesn’t eat pussy.
2. That’s the strongest woman I’ve ever known–she’s got some serious pussy.
3. Boy, quit your whining and pussy up.

I had overlooked it at first because it starts out very similar to all the definitions on the site that are variations of “Pussy – that good thing that God gave man for liking pussy good for a lot.” But then I read on to see that this definition of pussy nicely reverses the original derogatory slang meaning. So vote on!

The Pussy Wars are upon us!

My conversation with Comcast

This is a transcript of my very time consuming web chat with a Comcast technical support person that mercifully just finished 30 seconds ago. This was the fourth chat I’ve had with Comcast today, trying, in vain, to get my personal web page working.

Problem : All I want is for you to please send me the URL that will take me, once I am logged in, to the edit page for my Personal Web Pages. Thank you.

Eric > All I want is for you to please send me the URL that will take me, once I am logged in, to the edit page for my Personal Web Pages. Thank you.
Welmel > Hello Eric_, Thank you for contacting Comcast Live Chat Support. My name is Welmel. Please give me one moment to review your information.

Welmel > I can certainly relate to your needs and to have you in this chat is as good as fulfilling my own. I am committed in wanting to provide you with the best customer service experience. You can surely take your worries out. Let me prove my expertise.

Welmel > Do not worry. I will do my best on my end to help you resolve the issue that you are experiencing right now.

Welmel > But first, before we could proceed, to ensure the integrity of your account information could I please have your account number and may I also have the last 4 numbers of your SSN.

Welmel > While waiting, please allow me to take this opportunity to share with you one of the main features that you can get with Comcast which is our online site, Fancast.com. It offers full television episodes, full-length feature films, trailers and video clips to both Comcast subscribers and non-subscribers.If you missed out on your favorite TV shows, you do not need to worry next time.I hope you will enjoy this feature with us!

Eric_ > OK. Last 4 digits of SS # are (xxxx). When you say my account number, are you referring to the number on my bill? Why do you need that? I just want the URL to edit Personal Web pages. Thank you.

Welmel > Yes. Let me check your account first.
Welmel > No worries.
Welmel > Thank you.

Eric_ > Why? Is something wrong with my account? I can give you my account’s primary name: sylviaspears@comcast.net . I am asking a generic question, though. I am not trying to resolve a billing issue.

Welmel > No. This is to notate your account.
Welmel > May you please verify the name on the account?

Eric_ > Eric Spears, Sylvia Spears… one of our names are on the account.

Welmel > That is correct. Thank you so much.

Eric_ > You are very welcome.

Welmel > Are you trying to access your comcast.net email account?

Eric_ > I really don’t need to resolve any issues surrounding my account. I am asking a question regarding the comcast.net website, which I find to be impossibly confusing. I would like to navigate to the page that lets me update my Personal Web Page. It’s a page where I can upload files, etc. I have been there in the past, but can’t seem to find it now in the maze of Comcast.net pages. So, what I would like from you, if you would be so kind, is the URL of that page – not specific to my account – just the general place when a person can go, when logged in, to update their Comcast Personal Web Page. That is all I need. Thank you.

Welmel > Alright. Let me give you the link.

Eric_ > Thank you.

Welmel > Please click on this link, https://login.comcast.net/login?s=portal&ts=840b2b32&continue=http%3A%2F%2Fredir.comcast.net% 2Fredirect%2Fwebmail%3Fr%3D1259020931195%26redirectUrl%3D http%3A%2F%2Fwww.comcast.net%2F

Eric_ > That is one long web address. Unfortunately, the Comcast Chat Window does not allow me to either click on that link, or highlight it to copy it. So, I will have to type all of those 50 or 75 characters into a new web browser by hand. Please bear with me while I do this. It may take a few tries to type it correctly.

Welmel > No. All you have to do is just to click on the link I gave you.

Eric_ > Funny you should say that, since the link is non-clickable. Perhaps this is a browser or platform issue. Maybe the link would be clickable if I were using a Internet Explorer on a PC. But, I am using Safari on a Mac. Perhaps the chat interface was not designed with Macs in mind.

Welmel > Alright. Please go to www.comcast.net.

Eric_ > OK.

Welmel > Thank you.

Eric_ > I’m half-way through typing the URL you sent. Would you like me to stop & go by another route?

Welmel > Yes, please.
Welmel > That will be great.
Welmel > I am sorry for the confusion.

Eric_ > It’s OK.

Welmel > Thank you so much.

Eric_ > Would you like me to log into my email account?

Welmel > Yes, please.

Eric_ > Logged in (long pause)
Eric_ > Shall I go to “My Account”?

Welmel > Alright. Are you now on your account?

Eric_ > yes

Welmel > Yes. That is correct.

Eric_ > OK, what next please?

Welmel > There will be an option for you to edit your account.

Eric_ > I am on a page that says, “Manage My Account”

Welmel > Yes. There will be options for you to edit your account.

Eric_ > Well, it allows me to View/Change Personal Information, Change User Name, Change Password & Modify email contact preferences.
Eric_ > I can also Create a 2nd User

Welmel > Yes, please choose View/Change Personal Information.

Eric_ > I do not see any link to Personal Web Page management
Eric_ > OK. It opens a screen that lets me change the name on the account.

Welmel > Yes, please.

Eric_ > I’m sorry, I don’t understand what it is you would like me to change on this page.

Welmel > Are you trying to change your comcast.net email account web page?

Eric_ > I am trying to change my web page, yes. For instance, if I want to change some text that appears on my web page, I have to get to some location that will let me type in the new text.
Eric_ > I just now finally finished typing in that long URL you sent me a while back, but it just took me to the comcast home page (www.comcast.net). Is that what you had intended?

Welmel > They are the same, Eric.

Eric_ > You seem like a very nice person, but am I right that you really don’t understand my question, or how to help me?

Welmel > I am sorry to know that.

Eric_ > Well, thank you for your efforts, and your time. I’ll try again another time to solve this problem.

Welmel > But the only option for you to change your personal web page is on your comcast.net email account.
Welmel > My apologies.

Eric_ > It’s alright. Have a good night.

Welmel > Thank you for the understanding.
Welmel > Thank you so much,
Welmel > Have a good one now!
Welmel > Thank you for choosing Comcast and it is my honor to assist you today. Comcast appreciates your business and values you as a customer. If you need further assistance, you can chat back 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Eric_ > Take care, Goodbye.

Academic Papers!

As if my posts weren’t brainy & awkwardly academic sounding to begin with, now you have the opportunity to read my writing at its formal & stilted best! I have added a new box to the right of my posts, entitled, “Academic Peace Papers”. As the name suggests, much of my academic life has been focused on peace and nonviolence. I will periodically add more of my papers to this collection.

Among the papers now available is my Master’s Thesis! This project included a video companion piece, which I promise to someday upload. I find it interesting that there is an inverse relationship between how much effort it takes for me to write something and how many people read it. So, a post that took 20 minutes to write may be read by hundreds of people, whereas a thesis paper that I labored on for months might be read by a total of three people, including myself. To rectify the situation, I hereby invite the entire world to click on & read my thesis.

So, read on, let me know what you think, and tune in soon for more additions to the Academic Peace Papers box.

- Eric

Insignificant Post

Here is a post of leftover thoughts that don’t fit into any of the carefully crafted posts I spend so much time writing. Why should you read this? I don’t know. Perhaps you shouldn’t. But if you find this particular post to be pointless, please come back in a day or two because I am gearing up for my ultimate post, the one post that defines me and gives my existence meaning. It will be witty, of course, but also poignant, original, creative, and maybe a bit sexy. It will be quoted by other bloggers. Excerpts will be read at my funeral, which is odd because I will still be alive.

But at the moment, we are still stuck in this post. So here are my thoughts for today:

We just had our first frost in New Hampshire, and all the red and brown leaves on the ground were delicately outlines in white, as if they were drawn first with a white pencil and then filled in with color. I had never noticed that before.

The white lining of the leaves reminded me of the silver lining you hear about behind storm clouds. It was three years ago that I looked up in the sky & suddenly realized the literal origin of that saying, “Behind every dark cloud is a silver lining.” I could see that the sun was actually producing a white lining behind the dark clouds.

As we move into our long and arduous winter in the Northeast of the United States, I wonder what happens to the flies. They all seem to have died, mostly on window cills. So, how do they come back? Do their larva hibernate? Speaking of insect mysteries, do ants sleep?

Plants make me question the meaning of individuality. You can break of a part of some plants, stick it in water & it will grow into a new plant. Are plants individuals, or colonies of cells that can split apart? Aren’t we colonies of cooperating cells & microorganisms? Most of what’s going on in my body I have no conscious awareness of. Are my blood cells working for me, or are they part of me? The other day, I donated blood. That blood is still alive, and soon it may be in someone else’s body. So is it still part of me? What is me?

Well, it’s almost time for bed. But first I have to go check out the meteor shower. People can spend all the time & money they want fabricating fireworks shows, but it’s never as thrilling as seeing an unexpected meteor zip across an otherwise apparently static display of stars. Remember, this post is of no consequence, but my next post… THAT ONE will really be something! So bookmark often and click back soon. Goodnight!

Better Definitions for Words

I present to you improved definitions for the following words and phrases:

De-escalation

What people think it means: taking measures to reduce tension in a conflict

What it really means: taking the down escalator at the mall

Descending Order

What people think it means: a list that proceeds downward in value or rank

What it really means: the command that Ronald Reagan believed he could issue to bring back nuclear missiles after firing. (also written, “De-sending order”)

Flamboyant

What people think it means: exuberant manner or dress

What it really means: the superpower ability to float on water while engulfed in flames

Republican

What people think it means: a major political party in the United States

What it really means: licking a pub, again

Restaurant

What people think it means: a place to purchase and eat prepared meals

What  it really means: a place to put your aunt, if she is in need of a rest

Tremendous

What people think it means: fantastic; superb

What it really means: a prayer to a tree god for healing (also written, “Tree, mend us.”)

Antelope

What people think it means: a deer-like animal with varieties native to Africa and Asia

What it really means: This term involves the romantic lives of ants.

Cantaloupe

What people think it means: a delicious, orange-fleshed melon

What it really means: when the afore-mentioned ants are unable to elope

Tangent

What people think it means: a straight line that touches, but does not cross, a curve

What it really means: a gentleman who has spent time in the sun

Precede

What people think it means: to come before

What it really means: to stealthily plant crops before the other farmers

Protractor

What people think it means: a device used to measure angles

What it really means: a professional tractor

Mustard

What people think it means: a yellow or brown condiment made from the crushed seeds of a mustard plant

What it really means: a strong feeling in one’s bowels

Instigate

What people think it means: to bring into action

What it really means: a quickly constructed barrier that politicians can point to as evidence of their intolerance of immigrants

Remember

What people think it means: to bring forth from memory

What it really means: to once again become a member; to become a remember of a group, one must first rejoin it

Stereotype

What people think it means: to assign a trait or quality to an entire group of people

What it really means: the tiny writing on the back of your stereo system that includes the serial number

Debark

What people think it means: to get off a plane or ship

What it really means: cruel treatment of a dog or a tree

Disembowel

What people think it means: to tear out one’s guts, especially common in zombie movies

What it really means: a satisfying trip to the bathroom

Neologize

What people think it means:to create a new word

What it really means: to apologize anew, perhaps for creating a new word

Six More Mind Boggling Suggestions!

Previously, I posted some suggestions to better the world. I’ve noticed that the post, titled, “Suggestions,” wasn’t getting many hits. Maybe it seemed too polite. Perhaps I should have called it, “Demands!” But for now, I have re-named it, “Mind Boggling Suggestions to Improve the World.”

I therefore have named this list, which your computer screen holds in its hands:

1. Euthanize should mean to make younger, not to kill (and it should be spelled “youthanize”).

2. Pockets should have zippers down the front, so that if you keep your wallet in your front pocket, you could unzip to get it out without tearing up your hands, even when sitting in your car at the drive-up ATM.

3. Men’s dress pants should button down the sides, allowing air to circulate. This would address the oppressively warm nature of men’s dress clothes. The pant legs could be fashioned so that fabric would overlap, allowing for modesty while cooling the wearer.

4. We need some new words:

• Utensludge: The crumbs & scum that accumulate in the tray under the spoons, forks & knives.
• Epillogical: When the epilog makes no sense.
• Proteen: A professional teenager, like the Fonze.
• Carnervous: The state in which carnivores find themselves when they worry about whether their vegetarian friends and family members are getting enough protein.
• There are 2 kinds of people in this world: Those who hide their trash cans under the sink, and those who keep them out in the open. Neither group likes the labels that I give them: trashophobes & trashophiles, so here are two new words for them. People who keep their kitchen trash out in full sight are the Trashaware, and those who deny their trash’s existence by hiding the can in the cabinet under the sink are the Trashstashers. Which are you?

5. Before you can regurgitate, don’t you first have to gurgitate? This is more of a question than a suggestion, but I suggest that you consider it.

6. From now on, to save space, replace the ‘e’ in ‘the’ with a hyphen when followed by a word beginning with a vowel. Ergo: “The end” become Th’end, and “The other day” becomes Th’other day.

Flaws in Your “Reality”

Do you ever look out at the world and think, “How could it be that any effectively generated formal theory in which all arithmetic truths can be proved is inconsistent”? Or, “That is one hokey looking tree; no way that is real…. They could have put a little more time into that one, jeesh!”

I call that that questionable reality realiquanto, a combination of “reality” and “aliquanto,” which is latin for “somewhat.”

A lot of what we see we take for granted without having the slightest idea of how it works. The rest of what we see we take for granted believing that we understand it, when in realiquanto we have only a rudimentary understanding of its true nature.

I have the following questions about the universe. Feel free to enlighten me with your rudimentary explanations:

1.

First of all, it occurs to me that time & space do not exist. To define time, one must refer to time. The same is true of space.  It might take some dictionaries a while to get there, but inevitably they will have to refer to time in defining time and space in defining space. In the immediate definitions, dictionaries will indirectly refer to those terms by using words that rely on time or space for their meanings.

For example, on dictionary.com, time is defined as “the system of those sequential relations that any event has to any other, as past, present, or future.” To understand this, one must know what the word sequential means. Dictionary.com defines sequential as, “characterized by regular sequence of parts.” But what is a sequence? Again, Dictionary.com: “the following of one thing after another.” To understand this, however, one must know what following means. The same source defines it as, “that which comes immediately after.” So, what does after mean? Dictionary.com: “later in time than.” Ha! Did you catch that? They probably thought no one would bother following the trail all the way back to its beginning. It is as if fleeble were defined as “that which is fleeble,” or “fleeble is the fleeble between things.”

If a concept can not be defined without referring back to itself, it has no objective reality. And because everything – all matter and energy – exists in time and space, it follows that nothing exists. Now, you might be thinking that I have wasted a lot of space writing all of this and you have wasted considerable time reading it. However, as I have just demonstrated, neither one of us have wasted anything. And in any case, neither of us exists.

2.

Probiotics are all the rage. They are supposed to replenish the natural beneficial fauna in your body. But if you eat a probiotic yogurt or pill or whatever, won’t it be digested by your stomach acids? How could it possibly survive your digestive system to set up shop in your body?

3.

If the farther away an astronomical object the older the light, and we are looking back in time to near the start of the universe, how come that light hasn’t past us already? I mean, we started from the same Big Bang & the light from that explosion is traveling at, well, the speed of light. So, when we look toward the center of the universe, it seems like that light should have long since passed by us, since we have to be traveling away from the center slower than the speed of light.

4.

In the subjective reality of “The Secret,” what if two people who were experts at “the Secret” came to an intersection at the same time from different directions & both believed that there would be a green light for them – would they pass harmlessly though each other?

5.

And finally, if it is wrong to eat people, why do they taste so good? (Just kidding. Really.)

Pussy Voted #24*!

The results of the pussy campaign are in!

Thanks to the hard work of readers of this blog, in just six days, the following definition of pussy was voted #24* out of 121 definitions of pussy in urbandictionary.com:

Pussy

Cool or awesome; exciting and new

“That band’s totally pussy, dude! They rock!”

This new definition of pussy fits with the trend of urban slang to reverse the connotations of words. Pussy as “tough” and “cool” works well in a lingo that has changed bad, phat, bitchin**, dope, sick, gross, and ill all into positives expressions of praise.

In related news of our changing slang, I found the following definitions on urban dictionary, none of which I wrote!

Hella Pussy

totally awesome! really cool…

wow! that tennis serve was HELLA PUSSY!

you’re lookin’ hella pussy today

damn…this carrot cake is hella pussy.

Retarded

Having really good qualities about yourself; havin a banging body; somethin that is just that thang!

“He so retarded wit it!”

“Them shoes is retarded!”

Retarded

In this day and age, “retarded” is just another word for cool, dope, tight, chill, or whatever you say when you like something.

Retarded

In music, a down-tempo beat that is beyond ill: It is retarded.

“Mutherfucker’s beats is retarded!”

Retarded

an adjective used to describe something or someone that is pleasing to the eye, or looks good.

“Yo! Check out that honey… she’s retarded/”

“Man your car looks retarded, them 21 inch rims are really retarded.”

Gay

Cool. Awesome. Wicked sweet. Anything positive.

“Wicked gay!”

“This casserole is so gay!”

Pussy Awesome

Urban slang used especially by members of the straight edge hardcore punk rock subculture. It has also spread to extreme sports enthusiasts.

“We’re going to snowboard off the wings of a Cessna on to the peak of Mount Rainier. It’ll be pussy awesome!”

OK, I wrote that last one. But it seems that others out there have similar plans to covertly remake our language.

All of these can, of course be voted for repeatedly, which will help to bring them to prominence over the semiliterate, sexist, homophobic, and ableist diatribes that dominate the submitted definitions.

While you can continue with me to keep voting “thumbs up” for our definition of pussy at UrbanDictionary.Com as well as these other culturally subversively definitions (you are allowed to vote every 8 hours or so), the next phase of our operation is to casually insert this new, positive definition of pussy into blog posts, YouTube comments, and ordinary speech. Try to look perplexed if the person you are talking to hasn’t heard the word in this light before.

Together, we can make the world a more positive place, or at least confuse the squares!

*UPDATE: now #11! (11/23/09)

**thanks to Cyn M for that one

Same-Sex Marriage: The Maine Event

The Nov. 3rd Maine referendum to repeal same-sex marriage drove home a shortcoming of majority-rule democracy, that the majority cannot be counted on to uphold the rights of the minority. However, the Civil Rights Era model for change presents its own problems. In the 1950s and ’60s, direct action was used to dramatize injustices and to rouse the consciences of potential White allies in power. Morality was imposed legally from above, not voted upon by a White majority. Relying on a sympathetic cultural elite to set the rules is problematic. It only seems palatable when we happen to agree with the ruling class’s sense of morality.

Neither approach is wholly satisfying. The first is oppressive by nature and the second is anti-democratic. I think that same-sex marriage is a generational issue that will resolve itself as the young and less judgmental come into their own. This can’t be left to chance, since cultural attitudes are passed down, for good or ill. Teachers should find new and engaging ways to teach tolerance and acceptance. Especially important are lessons on different kinds of families. I have found that no matter the biases of the adults in the community, 2nd graders will not bat an eyelash when you talk about same-sex parent families. Children are naturally open and accepting. As the song from South Pacific goes, “You have to be taught to hate.”

So, this really is a culture war. There is no such thing as neutrality if you have any influence over children. To be neutral is akin to staying home on election day and let fearful people vote away civil rights.

Vote for Pussy!

The language of our culture seems to control us. That’s why Democrats & Republicans are always fighting to establish the terms of debates, choosing words that polling has suggested will influence thinking. But we can fight back! We can change language around in small ways. Here’s one: Redefine the slang word pussy to mean, “tough & cool” as in, “I’m a big fan of A-Rod. He’s pussy cool, man.”