May 17, 2013
I’m on the wrong side of the road
I gotta get back to the right side.
But I can’t, not yet.
And then, Bam!
I’ve jumped back to the right side of the road
erasing my tracks
going with the flow
getting things done
finally getting somewhere.
I’m never going back
That was the very last time.
It feels good to be on the right side of the road
I can feel myself veering back, but I’m safe
I’m in the middle of the road, pulled in both directions
I know where I’m going
I’m on the wrong side of the road.
time leaping forward
gotta get to the other side
Bam! I jump back.
That’s the last time
Such a waste of time.
I could have been hit.
But I’m OK now.
I’m on the right side of the road
and I’m never going back.
Starting life fresh.
The past doesn’t exist.
I promise, from this moment on…
I can feel myself veering back already
May 2, 2013
Without your innate ability to urinate, you’re in urine trouble.
Which leads us to this list of dreadfully important new words:
- Urinatability: Your innate ability to urinate.
- Rainish: Kind of, or almost, raining – maybe it rained last night, the air is still pregnant with humidity & the gutters and branches are still dripping water. “Hey teacher! You said we could have class outside today if it’s not raining.” “I know, but it’s still a bit too rainish.”
- Assuridy: With much assurance, as in, “I can say with a great deal of assuridy that ‘assuridy’ is now a word.”
In about 40 years, people currently called “hipsters” will still be called hipsters, but it will be because they’ve had hip replacement surgery.
Which leads us to ways that the hipster lifestyle has caught on in the animal kingdom. Recently spotted at urban zoos:
Hipsterpotamus (“I realize hippos are herbavores. So serve me some herb-flavored bacon.”)
Hipstergriff (“Oh yes, I’m a totally mythological creature. That’s why you can’t see me.”)
and in the Aquarium…
Hipstarfish (“Finally, I’m a star. And with it comes the amazing ability to regenerate limbs when slobbering 9-year-old humans grab me out of the water and drop me on the floor. Thank you, fate.”)
Negative and difficult things to say out loud (and quickly) about sea life:
A shellfish is selfish
A crusty crustacean cursed the tangled toast, chanting, “Crushed crust, crushed crust, crushed crust!”
“I’m sick of eating fish,” thought the finicky shark. “Always fish flesh, fish flesh, fish flesh!” Looking up at a seagull on a buoy, he exclaimed, “Mmmm… Buoy bird, buoy bird, buoy bird!”
Patriatism – too long; it should be “patriacy”.
Which leads us to the following list of shortened and combined words, located under this flower:
April 29, 2013
- If you don’t already have one, change your name to an Indian name. This can be either from the country of India or from Native America. Or both: Running Ashwaganda
- Insert the word “energy” into every sentence, Running Ashwaganda
- With positive energy, insert the word “vibration” into every sentence.
- With positive energy at a higher vibration, insert the word “healing” into every sentence.
- With positive healing energy, repeat some meaningless physical ritual, such as spinning in circles 21 times a day, at a high vibrational level.
- Follow the teachings of a long dead master of immortality (paying attention to the positive vibrational healing energy).
- Tuning in to your higher vibrational healing energy, add the word “consciousness” to the rest of the gibberish in your sentences.
- Purchase an endless supply of fetishistic objects decorated with symbols representing the healing energy of higher vibrations of consciousness.
- Surround yourself by people whose energies vibrate at high levels of healing consciousness.
- Do not follow any 10-step guide to enlightenment, Running Ashwaganda, no matter how high the consciousness of vibration of positive healing energy.
Still in search of other-wordly truth? Behind this flower lies the ancient wisdom of the First People:
April 10, 2013
Is it possible to have a truly original thought? Yes, I say! I assert that the following thoughts have never before been thought in the history of thinking:
- If penguins came out of my nose right now they’d be on fire.
- If I lived inside my dog’s toenail, I’d have to be careful not to fall out when he was scratching his ear.
- I’ll grow up to teach social & emotional skills, get arrested a few times for protesting war & start a blog called “Daisybrain”.
- Perhaps we could make friends with the cold virus, if we just understood its culture.
- If Morgan Freeman took a vow of silence, he would have to become a professional belly dancer.
- Hard work, responsibilities and self-reflection are just ways to escape drugs.
- No one has yet managed to rhyme the word “tomato” with the word “pancreas”.
- Cauliflower may be the most intelligent vegetable, but broccoli is cunning and pushes its way around other vegetables in its unending quest to rule human civilization with its weak-minded puppets: carrots and brussels sprouts.
- The air has decided not to go out today.
- If you took a person and replaced their body with a piano, you would have a piano.
Beneath this daisy lie some more original thoughts from Daisybrain:
April 1, 2013
- Jew-ish: kind of Jewish. “Why isn’t he coming to services? I thought he was Jewish.” “Well, he’s Jew-ish.”
- There are small and capital letters; there should be small and capital numbers. They would function in the same way as the capital letters. You would capitalize the first in a string of numbers. 10,217 would be ⊥0,2017. 297 would be ⊆97. I leave the rest of the characters to you to figure out.
- Shockingly, this sentence has never, until now, appeared anywhere online: ”Honey, I dismembered the kids.”
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