A Daisybrain Retrospective

Congratulations! You’ve dropped by in time for our annual Retrospective*, in which I cull some of the best bits of Daisybrain from previous posts & present them as a list of easy-to-digest, bite-sized chunks of disjointed verbiage. Let the self-indulgant avoidance of creativity begin!

1. Making Fun of Politicians’ Names!

• Is Sarah Palin a secret Muslim? Why else would the letters of her name rearrange to spell Sharia Plan??? Quick – somebody tell the Tea Partiers! READ FULL POST
• Trumpelstiltskin: An evil imp who commands much attention until he is called out for his lies and falls deep into a media chasm, never to be heard from again. READ FULL POST
• A lot has been made of the internet joke by which presidential candidate Rick Santorum‘s last name has been defined as a repugnant substance involving discharge from the hinder regions. I thought that this was unfair to Mr. Santorum, so I decided to write a note to Rick expressing my condolences. I figured that he wouldn’t mind if I started the note by rearranging the letters in “Santorum” to spell To Mr. Anus. Of course, I then had to express further condolences for the fact that his name spells “To Mr. Anus,” which must be upsetting in light of the internet definition of his name. I’m sure that after the election his ass will be quickly forgotten. READ FULL POST

2. Making Fun of Popular Culture!

• The existence of super-powered mutants in a X-Men universe implies that there would also be minor mutants with somewhat less useful powers. Here are some possibilities: The Shedder: Can instantly shed all of his body hair. The Hand Shaker: Has a really great hand shake – I mean REALLYgreat! READ FULL POST
• Relive with me my day at the fair eating a batter-dipped deep fat fried Twinkie on a stick. READ FULL POST
• Halloween is a time when you can see which groups the majority culture still thinks it’s OK to make fun of. READ FULL POST
• If you ever find yourself in a movie, especially a thriller of any kind, here are some things you may wish to avoid:

1. Never say, “You guys go ahead; I’ll catch up with you later.” Something baaaaad will happen to you.
2. Don’t cough. It means you are going to die of a disease by the end of the film.
3. Don’t be a loyal Black friend. It doesn’t end well. READ FULL POST

3. Making Fun of Language!

• Pretend word origin of the day: The word farther, made up of fart and her,was shortened from the Meso-American “Fart at her,” which is how conflicts were resolved in that setting. Later, more sophisticated weapons were developed, such as swords (s-words), which were a shortened version of swear words. Farting and shouting turned out to be fairly inaccurate weapons which can stink up and/or embarrass members of one’s own group. That is why the nun-chuck was created. However, the nuns, especially those who were chucked at the enemy, complained bitterly, leading to the development of the catapult. Cats were chosen for this weapon because they do not generally complain. When it was discovered that cats, though great at flying through the air, were ineffectual weapons once they landed and ran off, the modern assault rifle, originally spelled a salt rifle, was used to spray the enemy with more salt than needed for optimum flavor. The hope was that high blood pressure would would become an annoying health concern for the enemy. This proved a slow method of combat, which is why modern warfare relies on slaughter. Of course, slaughter comes from s-laughter, which stands for slay by laughter. Thus, the expression, “You slay me,” which soldiers use to surrender when overwhelmed by the enemy’s jokes. READ FULL POST
• Ten Things That Bug Me About English: I can’t say, “I are going to the store,” but I can say, “Aren’t I going to the store?” READ FULL POST 
• Words WIthin Words: Even though they are odd numbers, seven and eleven are both mostly even. READ FULL POST
• Sandwich: A practitioner or Wikken, on a beach. READ FULL POST
• Flamboyant: What people think it means: exuberant manner or dress. What it really means: the superpower ability to float on water while engulfed in flames READ FULL POST
• Fallacy means a false belief. If you try spelling it phallicy, you would have a false penis. READ FULL POST
• Some funny words, like Boogyman: A make believe evil entity evoked to scare children, not a man with a excess of nose mucus and Vagile: It’s the ability of a species to move about or disperse itself, not an agile vagina. READ FULL POST
• Violence in language: We tell kids that hitting is wrong, yet singers want hits. In fact, smash hits are best; webmasters want as many hits as possible – they actually desire unique hits.  Baseball players want hits, even grand slams. You want a cute person to hit on you… after all, that could be a real kick. Maybe it’s a person with a really ripped body who has a crush on you. READ FULL POST
• Words Within Words:

• “Democrats” contains scared, tame, coma, dream, soar, roam, star, stream, cream, ascot, care, dote, comrades, credos, mores, E.R.A., eros, Macs (Republicans use PCs), modest, rose, sacred, and Ted (as in Kennedy).
• “Republicans” is full of words like: rules, race, run, princes, sire, sure, user, cruel, spar, nail, inure, snap, slice, slap, bruise, pain, rape, abuser, slain, sniper, crab, pincer, saber, lance, spear, pliers,carbine, burin, cleanup, ban, sue, ruin, snub, ire, snarl, rail, sneap,snip, snipe, rasp, spiel, unclear, lies, liars, slur, rubes, saps, scab, rase, brisance, lucre, pale, aliens, bile, brucine, urinal, renal, penis, urine, anus, arse, crap, panic, peril, relic, club, lair, insular, snare, arsine, lues, rabies, arsenic, burns, burial, R.I.P., penal, nuclear, supernal, sin, risen, praise and, just to freak you out: Israel. READ FULL POST
• By far, the U.S. has invaded more countries than any other nation in history. At first, some of our targets may seem arbitrary (Grenada?). But if you take the first letters of the countries the U.S. has bombed or sent combat troops to in the last 20 years, they spell out this important message: Liberia (1990, 1997, 2003); Saudi Arabia (1990-91); Iraq (1990-1991, 1991-1993, 1998, 2003-?); Kuwait (1991); Los Angeles (Army & Marines deployed against an anti-police uprising, 1992); Somalia (1992-94, 2006-?); Yugoslavia (1992-94, 1999); Bosnia (1993-?); Haiti (1994, 2004-2005); Zaire (1996-97); Albania (1997); Sudan (1998); Afghanistan (1998, 2001-?); Yemen (2000, 2002, 2009); Macedonia (2001);Philippines (2002-?); Colombia (2003-?); Pakistan (2005-?); Syria (2008): Sally Z. is Skab Happy Clam. READ FULL POST 
• Consider the differences in meaning between these phrases that sound the same but are spelled differently:

• “You’re in danger!” vs. “Urine danger!” Of course, maybe you’re in danger because of urine danger, I don’t know. READ FULL POST
• The Ministree uf Unesesaree Leterz haz ishued the folowing proklamashon:“The leterz C, Q, and X ar on temporaree hi-atus, during wich time new and yooneeke sownds will be konseeved uv and asined to them. In the interim, pleez yooz fonetik spelingz to eckspres the sownds redundantlee asoseated with theez leterz, i.e., “kween,” “zilofone,” and “kukumber.” READ FULL POST

4. Making Fun of Customer Service!

• Welmel > Please click on this link, https://login.comcast.net/login?s=portal&ts=840b2b32&continue=http%3A%2F%2Fredir.comcast.net% 2Fredirect%2Fwebmail%3Fr%3D1259020931195%26redirectUrl%3D http%3A%2F%2Fwww.comcast.net%2F
• Eric_ > That is one long web address. Unfortunately, the Comcast Chat Window does not allow me to either click on that link, or highlight it to copy it. So, I will have to type all of those 50 or 75 characters into a new web browser by hand. Please bear with me while I do this. It may take a few tries to type it correctly.
• Welmel > No. All you have to do is just to click on the link I gave you.
• Eric_ > Funny you should say that, since the link is non-clickable. READ FULL POST

5. Making Fun of the Internet!

• Virgin Googlisms are phrases that have never before appeared on line, like ““That’s my cheese, damnit!” and “Who has the best nostrils?” READ FULL POST
• The phrase, “The moon is not crashing to Earth,” does not appear on line. Apparently no scientist is willing to make that claim. No one has even typed, “The moon poses no danger,” or “The moon will not kill you.” Therefore it will. READ FULL POST

6. Making Fun or Our Educational System!

• The catastrophe of Providence’s alleged public school system has systemic roots in the structural violence of poverty and institutional racism. READ FULL POST
• Goodbye Summer Vacation. Come on – we all know that the school calendar in the United States is antiquated. We spend 180 days of the year learning and the entire summer trying our best to forget everything we just learned. When school starts up in fall, we play catch-up to make up for all the backsliding that’s occurred over the summer. School calendars should be year-round and have their vacations timed to meet the local climate demands. READ FULL POST
• Standardized tests assume that children come standardized, which they don’t. Not only is there a huge developmental span between children in the same grade, but it’s normal and healthy for there to be a span. READ FULL POST
• How Differentiated Instruction Misses the Point: Our educational system is predicated on a false belief that the individuality of students is a problem to work with to bring them to an identical grade level. In fact, every student is where she or he should be in order to grow to her or his next level of understanding. It’s not like trying to construct identical bicycles out of parts that differ, in some sort of assembly line with a rigid time frame delineated by grade levels. READ FULL POST

7. Making Fun Poetry!

• Haiku

• My blog statistics
• Do not tell the whole story
• Of how you love me READ FULL POST
• A free subscription to Daisbrain for whoever can correctly tell me whom this poem is about:

The old poet

was edgy and sincere in his youth

was a vegetarian wanderer

Now complains about kids these days

His generation already opposed a war

This new crop of protesters bore him

He already said ABC, man

So why bother with DEF?

Kids these days….

READ FULL POST

8. Bug Fun!

• Fact #1: Ants have a larger brain to body ratio than humans. READ  FULL POST
• Mysteries of Insects Revealed! I had always been told that somehow the little hairs on insect feet allow them to stick to smooth vertical surfaces. It’s interesting that this is still being told to children since it is based on an understanding of insects that is about 400 years out of date. We now know that insects secrete a sticky fluid as they walk so that they can adhere to smooth surfaces, even upside down. Spiders also use sticky fluids to adhere to smooth surfaces. READ FULL POST

9. Fun Making Much Unsought After Advice for Democrats!

• How is it that a Republican party that appeared to be eating itself into oblivion has so quickly re-emerged to threaten the ever-so-brief Democratic majority in national government? READ  FULL POST
• One of the most striking imbalances in modern U.S. politics is that between the more extreme wings of the two major parties. While Republicans will fight with each other over who is the stronger and purer conservative, Democrats will generally play to the middle. READ FULL POST
• Droning on About Drones…. It is my assertion, therefore, that the policy of killing people around the world by remote control is dangerous and immoral. It is dangerous because it invites retaliation, blurs the law, and presents us with a vision of a state using its technology to kill anyone anywhere for whatever reason it sees fit. It is immoral because it devalues life and uses evil means to attempt to reach just ends. READ FULL POST

10. Philosophical Phun!

• Time & space do not exist. To define time, one must refer to time. The same is true of space.  If a concept can not be defined without referring back to itself, it has no objective reality. And because everything – all matter and energy – exists in time and space, it follows that nothing exists. READ  FULL POST
• Have you ever thought about the process of replacing bits of your body with mechanical devices until there is nothing left that is organic? After replacing all the major organs of my torso with artificial versions, I could slowly replace parts of my brain with more efficient computer components until there was no grey matter left. At what point would I die? Would I notice? Do I have a soul that would fly off while the mechanical me kept on living? READ FULL POST
• Against the backdrop of near-universal acceptance and celebration of competition, I will share my deep concerns about all forms of competition. READ FULL POST
• I suspect that I am missing a deeper way of knowing. I want to become one with the beauty; I want to be the streaks of light that look like God is communicating with the mountains. But my thoughts get in the way. All my worries, all my mental distractions keep me from fully experiencing the everyday majestic beauty of nature. READ FULL POST

12. Making Fun of Sexism!

• In a list of 208 of the world’s top orchestra conductors, guess how many are women? If you guessed 2, you are right! Fewer than 1% are women. Is there something inherently male about conducting an orchestra? READ FULL POST
• My friend asked why I only wear things made by women and not by men. That’s when I realized that he didn’t understand that “woman” is a generic term for human being. I had to explain to him that I’m not sexist. I had taken a cab over to meet my friend that day and I had a man cab driver, and I was fine with that. I don’t think that all men are bad drivers. In fact, I have a man doctor. I even have a man dentist, which is pretty rare. READ FULL POST

13. Making Fun of Politics!

• As for Iran and nuclear weapons, let’s have some of moral clarity: We shouldn’t tell anyone to get rid of their nuclear weapons until we get rid of our own nuclear weapons.

14. Making Fun of African E-Mail Scammers!

Dear Miss Kevlin,

I would be happy to assist you in your dread hour of God Bless need. Because I, too, am the daughter of a wealthy chief (aren’t we all these days?) I have need of transferring the sum of 24 million thirty thirteen thousand dollars (US$45,9267,001.6) from my rightful earnings as the heiress to my late father’s ping pong estate. READ FULL POST

11. Suggestions to Improve the World!

• Pockets should have zippers down the front, so that if you keep your wallet in your front pocket, you could unzip to get it out without tearing up your hands, even when sitting in your car at the drive-up ATM. READ FULL POST
• Advice for better living:

• Pet your dog or cat for a few more minutes than usual today.
• Volunteer to do community service.
• Take a child to experience something new.
• Try picturing an adult who drives you crazy as the sweet little child s/he was, whom you would love despite his or her flaws. READ FULL POST

* also known as a temporary reprieve from blogger’s block